Humbled

I’m not writing this on April 1st, although this blog will be published then.

The current date is 3/24/22 that is to say, March 24th, 2022, 2:15PM / 14:15.

I’m sitting in the cafe up the street from my job.

Recently I’ve just come across the idea, the concept that I don’t know enough. To be fair, I also don’t care to know more than I already do, unless it is really interesting, or can improve my quality of life.

This is really only a concern in discussions about politics, mostly, because right now, during the conflict of the Russian invasion of Ukraine, many people, namely, Americans have brought up the hypocrisy of America and its own history of warfare and war crimes.

I can’t wrap my head around it. I recall an erstwhile lover saying “people that have no problems make problems for themselves.” I’m beginning to see truth in her words.

This isn’t to say that America is a perfect country with no flaws, and everyone should feel and know they are privileged to have been born and are able to afford to live here, but to act as if it’s the worst place in the world is also, incredibly naive, in my opinion.

Like when they say “don’t bite the hand that feeds you,” I feel like a lot of them are biting the hand.

And as I’ve already stated, I don’t know enough, if I know anything at all, but that doesn’t change the fact that regardless of all the bad press America gets from well, Americans, people still emigrate here. What do you make of them? Are they stupid in your opinion? Is it unfortunate that they couldn’t afford better? Which country is, in your opinion “better” ?

The way I see it, there is no country without blemish, no country without its cover up, and no country, or few countries where the value of its currency is great, far and wide. Not to mention the idea of other countries being “homogenous” which to me, implies that it’s harder to make social connections, friends, get married, and fit in, culturally, if you aren’t

A) A “desired” or “fetishized” by the people and that culture

B) Don’t look like them, speak like them, understand them culturally, or have family there. And even if you do have family there’s no guarantee you’ll get along.

I mean, if these countries were so much better, where’s there ads for being “melting pots” for having “greater opportunities to excel” ? The most I see are these endless articles about the Nordic countries with their “happiness index” and “millionaires,” but 1 million Krone does not hold the same value as 1 million USD, even if it’s easier to obtain. And even still you can find forums of people speaking much differently about their experiences in their homeland than what you see in articles. And where do you go from there?

An article making broad, wide sweeping claims? Or and individual, or many individual, albeit, anecdotal yet nuanced opinions from a real person, a citizen.

Of course it falls upon your own shoulders to discern for yourself, but this stresses me out, all the same.

I would like to say, I’m not the most patriotic American either, and frequently, during my life up until maybe two months ago, I’d regularly thinking about becoming and ex-pat. My countries of choice were Norway, Japan, and most recently, Denmark.

Going back into not knowing everything, and how much money this would realistically cost, I realized, it would be easy to run away from the problems I face in America, also being a Black, African American citizen, or at least of African descent. The mental toll it takes to process information in the news, in protests, in rhetoric is enough to make you want to lose consciousness, at will. But onward I stride.

Back to my point though, yes, running away would be easy, however, if I am so dissatisfied, like the many people marching and protesting, is there something I can do as well, to help push forward, meaningful change? Change for the better? Help America become more progressive?

Being one person, taking this task on alone is in fact, insurmountable. However, there are channels, facilities of not, institutions that can help aid your movement or help you find ways to take steps forward, whether you know of them or not. I’ve discovered that you’re never truly alone, the White House does in fact have a portal where you can write to the President, or different branches of government operating in the White House, and other branches of government have contact forms as well. I know first hand that the White House at least reads and responds to inquiries, albeit, on a case by case basis. I’ve submitted two things to the White House and only one was responded to, so, there’s that, but it’s important to attempt to be, or at least introduce the change you want to see. That’s how I think about it, anyway.

Its been about an hour and thirteen minutes since I began typing this and walked into work, so I don’t have the same train of thought, but I’d like to conclude for now with I’ve decided to take the initiative in multiple ways.

I started and stopped with submitting ideas to the President, NASA, the EPA, the Department of Justice and the Army but now, I want to incorporate financial assistance as well.

As of right now there are no bodies of government, politicians or organizations that I feel comfortable donating to.

I am however considering donating to some animal rescue initiatives, people I come across going through hard times whether that’s on social media or in person, or to places where the value of my dollar reaches further than it does here in America. And also some handouts to friends that they don’t have to pay back.

I figured, I missed the boat on having kids, and I’m not in a place where I’ve decided that I need to have to them as to knock off a milestone for adult life or some shit. Fuck that. If I must contribute to society, for now, this is how I’ll go about doing just that.

Caesar get’s killed tomorrow

What it do and who you be with!? That’s probably the most fun you’re going to get out of this post.

I just posted to Instagram, my “art” instagram for the first time in maybe 7 or 8 months, but my caption was too long for that platform so I’m going to finish my thought here:

Holy shit it’s been a while and what a fucking wild ride it has been huh!? So, sorry about abandoning my duties here, I might even just delete this page all together and only upload to @yahomied but, I haven’t really made a decision on that I’m just thinking out loud, here, let me fill you in:

I’ve essentially just been my own worst critic, and, I’ve been such a horrible, or, effective critic that I essentially convinced myself to just stop drawing, altogether. At first it was “only during school” but as time went on I lost all drive, all motivation, all creativity. It wasn’t until January that with a few friends over I actually opened up a sketchbook, took out some markers and some pencils and actual made an image I didn’t initially hate, since then the bug to draw has bit me time and time again and now, I’m finally scratching that itch. Can’t say this is a return to #dailysketch but it is a return to posting here, all the same.

This image isn’t clear, it’s me on my hands and knees in utter confusion at the state of the world. How are we supposed to or meant to care for everything happening all at once? Specifically, I’m talking about Russia and the Ukraine. I was talking with a friend that didn’t seem to understand how sanctions were supposed to help end the war, how “hurting the Russian people” was supposed to help end the war, when they themselves didn’t do anything. They aren’t wrong, per say, but I do feel for them. I saw a girl, a Russian girl, who started posting on another app about giving away $500 ruble to two people that followed her, and I thought, “well, if she can give away money to them I can probably give some money to her, as long as she’s supporting other people.” At that time, 500 Ruble was $5.12 in USD, where $500 USD was $66k Ruble, outrageous.

It’s interesting to me to see them post however, because they do not allude that life is harder for them, they kind of just keep up the content, as if it’s an attempt to not have their followers worry, to not lose followers too, I imagine, and if they dissent they could lose more than just their platform, if you really think about it, right?

So I think the most effective way to help, other than taking up arms and joining their military is to do what little you can to ease their financial burden. I couldn’t find that girl cash app, and apparently banks aren’t even allowing transactions to Russia citizens, but she does stream on Twitch, so maybe i could buy a bunch of followers, subscribe to her channel, etc.

But she’s just one of many, I’m following about 7-8 people in either Russia or Ukraine right now, and only one of which is actively updating on the status of the war and how it’s affecting the citizens, civilian lives in Ukraine. Of course, I see enough news about it already, so much so that I’ve begun to avoid news stations, sources, blocking them on Twitter or other platforms and muting what I can or informing the service provider that I am “not interested in this post,” for the sake of my own sanity.

Some people at work tend to echo the same thing as well, that we’re “not meant to see this carnage day after day” and a while back I even thought imagine a time of war before social media, before television, where you would wait by a radio or read the paper for news and updates, maybe gossip with people and learn through word of mouth and hearsay if you weren’t in a country directly involved. Simpler times I’m sure, anxiety and tensions would be high yes, but perhaps not THIS high.

And from there you have everything else affected by this war and the problems the country had before the war and then you’re own problems before the countries problems have an effect on you.

The maxim was “Life’s not fair” sure, but it feels like now it’s “You have no chance of winning.”

But of course, like any red blooded American, any Shonen anime fan, and military advertisement, you can’t give up, never give up, and you must do your part to effectively be the change you wish to see, especially if you see no one else willing to do that part around you.

Sucks to suck.

...Is it me?

I’m most likely not going to post this one on Twitter or Facebook, this is also, most likely the beginning of multiple blogs per month.

But man oh man, I’m…distressed?

I was having a conversation today with some friends and I asked them to explain something and it eventually just devolved into jokes. This wouldn’t be a problem but I think I was just being perceived, automatically as combative, which I don’t like. It was a simple question that only required a simple answer, not the run around.

On top of that, I’ve grown more and more disillusioned with them. And yeah, sure, we’re friends but I guess I thought of them, highly, and the longer our friendship has gone on, the more we’ve revealed about ourselves to each other, the more I’m like “wait…what!?”

I assume it’s because I’m older, I’ve been where they are now and I’ve moved beyond it, it’s kind of like a a time machine, or a living time capsule and I’m just watching it, observing from the outside as they deal with certain aspect, really, their opinions on life. And this isn’t all of them, it’s really one guy and if he didn’t post to the chat I don’t think there would be a chat to begin with, and I thought about that, and I think I’m ok with that as well.

It pains me, burns me up about the many friends and lovers I’ve lost in my 33 going on to 34 years of life. I reflect on my moms words, “some people are in your life for reasons and some people are in your life for seasons” and some of the people that I thought were in my life for reasons were actually just here for seasons, albeit, very, very, very, very, VERY long seasons. That’s what hurts the most.

You know, I think we all grew up the the adages of “forgive and forget,” “keep your friends close and your enemies closer,” etc etc. What I wonder is why am I the one left keeping those things, these feelings close to my chest? Did no one else feel the same? Should I have spoken up? Would that cause an even greater rift? Would they even respond? Am I just too soft? I don’t know the answer to these questions, but I can infer for some of them.

At the end of the day, I’m prepared to be alone, prepared to have “no friends” for a while, or at least no one to regularly hang out and meet up with every once in a while, that’s fine, that’s nothing to worry about, but I don’t think I want to do it again if I don’t have to. I wouldn’t try to prevent it from happening, but I wouldn’t resist.

This must be life I suppose. This is that bittersweet taste of knowing, the reason they claim ignorance is bliss.

This shit sucks, not gonna lie.

Always on the Overnight Shift all Over Again

HNG!!! I’ve been working since last week Saturday. I think if I work one more day (Friday) I’ll actually be over the maximum amount of hours we’re allowed to work, so I have the day off.

I wasn’t expecting that snow storm. Should I have been? I think we had a 60 degree day in December! The weather makes no sense, and yes, it’s New England, but its still unusual, or at least it’s not what it was like when I was growing up. I’m accustomed to that, I’m expecting that. I’ve had THAT for at least 20 years, and this Global Warming shit, although it was happening gradually over time, started to get really out of hand in the last 10, and WAY MORE NOTICEABLE in the last 5. It’s driving me insane. And of course, I want to do something about it.

I suppose I’ve been rekindling a fire in myself to become or act as an activist. To be more politically engaged, a desire to run for office, etcetera. Of course, this desire comes from discourse with people, talking about injustice, meaningful change, yada yada. And at the same time, I have a great desire to run away from it all. I could, as I preach, “be the change I want to see” but that’s hard, that takes money, commitment, perseverance, and determination. On the other hand, I could pack my bags and move to one of those Nordic Countries everyone speaks so highly of. I’m thinking Denmark.

Currently, if I’m being honest, both options are a reality, but I think as I’m typing this, even if I go and move to the other side of the planet, will I still be consuming American media and news? Will I become politically active or involved in another country, if there’s a need or good reason? If I cant escape my desire to want to make things right or be better, then running away is really only prolonging the inevitable process of political action. And, you know, when it’s all said and done, and I’ve done everything I’ve set out to do, or can’t think or anything else to do, and I STILL am dissatisfied with American Life, I can still move away. Might be more meaningful that way. It’s just, if I think of something I can do, and I’m not too decrepit to accomplish it, I’ll probably set out and try to do it. I’m reflecting on this video about a guy, a grandfather, that decided at age like, 97 or some shit, that he wanted to learn how to bake and make baking a hobby. It makes me think it’s never really too late. I mean, 97 years old? He’s practically on deaths door and he STILL wants to learn/try something new. If you ask me that’s pretty fucking incredible, not gonna lie.

Been thinking about relationships and women a lot recently. Kind of realized that, if it’s the right person, I could start up an internet based long distance relationship if I wanted to, but being in my 30’s and already having done that, it feels kind of silly. Or at least, without offering or having a place for the love interest to move to/live with them, to make the relationship go from long distance to local, it seems pointless to even try. I don’t have a work from home job so they’d most likely have to come to me. This could, possibly change, but I don’t plan on quitting my job anytime soon, even if I get stuck with the overnight shift 7 days in a row even though the shift I signed up for was the afternoon shift. Somebody’s got to do it I know but I wish that somebody wasn’t me. And don’t get me wrong, every once in a while sure, I’ll cover, but a mother fucking week? You gotta be kidding me! COVID has left a short staffed company even shorter staffed so, you bite the bullet. Moving on, but back to women-

Yeah I don’t want a relationship either, or it’s not something that I NEED to feel accomplished. A relationship, love and marriage and kids, those ideals are no longer a goal/benchmark for my life. If they happen, incredible, but I’m not seeking it out. And, yeah, like any hot blooded young heterosexual male I want to have sex with as money women as possible, don’t get me wrong, I’m still a slave to my biology, however, even that has kind of taken a back seat. When I say that I mean I’m okay with not having sex, more times than I’m not okay with not having sex. And yeah I’ll pay for onlyfans every now and then or watch porn or something but use dating apps? Regularly go to the club or speed dating events or meetups? Forget about it. And I don’t think those things really took anything away from my life, but STRESSING and WORRYING about those things and the things that revolve around them, that shit will give you fucking cancer, or at least an ulcer, minimum. Maybe an aneurism, I don’t know, but it’s not for me.

Back in school, studying history and my teacher is a black guy. I was shocked at first but then I thought about it, with the current state of the world, it makes sense that my teacher would be a black guy. And I’ve had black history teachers in the past thinking about it now as I write this, but also, literally only 1. Legit. But I got an A last semester and I think I’m going to keep that trend this semester as well.

I have also been spending far far far far FAR too much money on mobile games. Specifically Dragalia Lost and Marvel Strike Force. Like, between the two of them maybe $4000 total. Which is really insane.

It hasn’t hurt me in anyway, I still pay the bills on time, my phone is still connected (I mean literally IT HAS TO BE in order for me to play as often as I do) but I’m just, noticing this trend. I don’t think I’m scared, but maybe I’m worried this will turn into something deeper, something like out of control spending that I’ll need to dial back in the future. Maybe. I’m not sure. Because at least as far as Dragalia goes, I’ve been playing this game for the last 3 years and this is the first time something like this has started to happen. So I’m not really, or at least I’m not ALWAYS as “irresponsible” as I have been, recently. I am enjoying myself, but I do wish I was getting more bang for my buck, ESPECIALLY in Marvel Strike Force. Fuck that game.

Anyway, Happy Lunar/Chinese New Year! It’s the Year of the Tiger, probably one of the coolest animals to ever exist. And if you can’t appreciate that you’re probably racist.

See’ya!

Ah Shit, Here We Go Again (Happy New Year)

Happy New Year! Welcome to 2022!

Here are some things I’ve learned 5 days into the New Year:

  • JFK might have been in the closet

  • Gandhi was essentially a sex offender

  • MLK loved other women

  • Vitamin D can be toxic in large amounts

  • Fish Oil can be toxic in large amount

  • My Jaw may be misaligned

Wonderful!

COVID is still around and new restrictions will kick in on January 15th, I’m not excited for it. I was excited to get back into school for the Spring Semester but it turns out, that ONCE AGAIN, I’m on Academic Probation, even though I received an A in my class in the previous semester. I don’t know how that makes sense, and technically I shouldn’t have even been able to take the class but, here we are.

If things unfold the way I think they will I’ll probably use the next 6 months to write and draw a bit, maybe also catch up on shows and finish story ideas.

I’ve been getting encouragement in the creative department, being told to just stick with it, have patience, and work on long form writing, because my long form writing is better than my poetry etc etc.

I’m still frustrated however. And this, is of course, a personal problem, but I want what I want and I want it now.

I don’t know how much more poetry I can read before figuring out if there’s enough, or even if I want to write another book of poetry, but I have a few subscriptions to Poetry magazines expiring right about now and I might consider renewing them. Maybe one. I don’t think, after this recent exercise in poetry writing, that my poetry is good enough to submit to competitions for cash prizes. So I’ll put that on hold for the foreseeable future.

I’ve also taken a step back from developing NFT’s. I’m seeing what’s out there and I feel as if I want to develop something with more utility, something that isn’t just a collection. Of course, that will probably take more capital and knowledge that I don’t have to do, but from the knowledge I have gathered the NFT world is full of scams and exploitation. I mean I’m an artist that wants to get rich like the next one but I had to investigate why so many other well established creators on the internet seem so vehemently against the “digital revolution.” There are of course, others making millions in this brave new frontier and I want their success I just feel like I’m not producing anything right now that I want to sell the rights too. Not any personal drawings, maybe some photography, and no ideas for a series or even a collaboration. Although, and this usually happens to me, I am now generating a few ideas I haven’t thought of before, as I type and express my anxieties…

Anyway, nothing really crazy to report in on, just this monthly update. I paid off most of my credit cards, my Reddit karma is over 1K (after being -50 for about 3 years…) and other than not having a partner/relationship (which honestly, isn’t all that bad) life seems pretty good, if not decent.

I’ll take it, is what I’m saying.

Here’s hoping 2022 doesn’t completely suck! Even with COVID still looming in the distance.

Yuck.

happy New Year!

Another Yearlong Battle Fought, but the War continues on.

Whats up party people in the place to be? It’s your host, your author, that one random guy you may see on the internet every s often, me, Dan the Man!

I was gonna save this for a tweet but since this blog will be a tweet I’ll write it here:

I was laying in bed and thinking that I wanted to get a girlfriend. Then I noticed an odd smell circulating in my room, realized the house was a mess, and pondered if I was really as financially stable as I wanted to be before seeking a romantic partner that I could potentially live and pay rent with.

Basically it wasn’t all adding up, and there seems to be a lot more I need to do before I can seriously pursue a romantic interest. Some would, and could disagree but, I still don’t feel comfortable. And, I’ve been in relationships in the past, when I was a teenager, a bit in my 20’s, nothing ever came of it but I know my way around the opposite sex, it just feels like now, at 33, a relationship isn’t “fun” and “sex,” it’s a lot of responsibility. Sure you can have fun I’m sure it’s recommended but if you want to start a family you gotta actually care about this person, nurture them, and hopefully you grow together. Maybe it’s because I’m following a ton of girls on instagram and constantly putting tits in my face but I’m definitely rethinking or gaining a new perspective on dating and what it means to be a lover or partner.

Anyway, enough about that. My Uber Eats order was just dropped off at the wrong address and no one nearby has any idea where it could be so here I am ordering dinner a second time, after I got my refund of course but still I’m irked. This happens infrequently BUT WHEN IT DOES HAPPEN.

Literally derailed this whole blog…

Christmas is coming up, and I’m working Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Depending on what’s going on I might try to take New Years Off but we’ll see what happens, nothing wrong with earning a little extra money if you ask me, but I do wish we got holidays off like everybody else.

I don’t know what to buy for Christmas this year or who to buy for but I did just purchase a present for my brother earlier tonight. I can only do that because we tell each other what we want and then it’s up to the other to go get that requested item so he’s not particularly hard to shop for, but my mom? Not only will I not see her this year I usually buy a series of inoffensive bath and body products and now in my later years I’m kinda picking up on that she doesn’t like them all that much. My brother is stumped too so I’m not alone but still, not like that makes it any easier. Hopefully I figure something out before the big day, and if not I’ll default to lotions I guess. I’d ask but I think she’d be upset if I did.

I’m still mad about my food!

Better Late Than Never!

Hello EVERYBODY! What’s up party people in the place to be and for those 6 new onlookers on Facebook and the many more on Twitter, Howdy!

I wish I was on a tight schedule with these blog posts but I like how the “organic stream of consciousness” timing and flow of my words work as well. Maybe even better than a forced schedule.

So what’s new? I’m kicking ass in school and I’m exploring more art and started back up reading poetry again.

I’ve been on twitter tweeting bits and pieces of what could be a much larger blog but I realized fairly recently that I was only able to publish my books of poetry because I had a large catalog of poems from years of work that were unpublished. I feel now my new writing is writing that I want to publish quickly and that might be a bad approach to how I should continue my career. That being said I’ve managed to write only two poems in the last two months because I’ve been hyper focusing on school, which, ironically, I do kind of have down to a schedule.

I investigate how many sections are in a chapter (about 3) I read a section a day, do the homework the day of the last chapter or a few hours when work is slow before the homework is due and I relax/attend class Friday morning and enjoy my evening at work usually scrolling on my phone, not trying to feed my brain creative sustenance or try to inspire anything from my scholarly attuned consciousness.

I think I need and deserve the break! I can dedicate the summer to being creative everyday but when it comes to being in school it’s vital that I get decent grades or at least passing marks if I plan to continue on to my bachelors degree or even further. I want to go back to school for art too, but that’s not feasible, that’s like a guilty pleasure honestly.

Anyway I haven’t invested the way I planned to either. Last month we got stuck with an additional fee to the rent so all my money went there and now I’m behind on bills. I’m hoping to pay rent by the 3rd week of this month but it’s looking kinda shaky right now, as I remember my credit card bills coming up. Christmas can’t come any sooner I swear, and I haven’t even gone shopping for Christmas yet!!! I used to go shopping early, like in October but now!? I think one year I was still shopping two weeks before Christmas Day. Time flies I swear…

I’m also playing tug of war with dating right now. I activated a few apps and have a profile here and there but honestly I don’t really feel like dating anymore. I thought I had a date lined up with a girl and she never responded and I just go “what’s the point of being on a dating app if you dont want to date!?” Save being afraid to catch COVID I mean c’mon!

I’m also walking more, getting more exercise, changed my meds if it’s affecting my weight loss journey and I’m on a new diet with my brother. My next goal is to maybe wake up early enough to exercise in the morning but with this new diet I’m not sure I’ll need to.

I just want to be sexy man. Is that too much to ask?

See’ya later gators! I have a letter to write lol.

The Time of Mine Birth Draws Ever Closer...

One more year around the mother fucking Sun baby! WHOO!

Somethings Ive written recently that I would like to add to this blog:

A friend on instagram asked “How are you” and this is how I responded:

“Thanks homie, I just tell everyone that I’m telling myself “Another Day Another Dollar” but really I’m really trying to remain positive in a sea of negativity. Dissenting opinions about the government, questioning my own intelligence to placate another’s ideas/opinions and also the more that people marry and have kids the more I feel like I’ll never find “love” at least not “again.” I like to think if I get in shape the bitches will flock to me but that’s not as much of a motivator as I thought it would be and yet, I’m eating salads Mon-Fri, drinking a gallon of water and now, I’m on the cusp of working out in the morning again, because I realize I have the time and that time is also for me. Working out is also for me, and it has to be and I’ve realized that, slowly I realized it but I realized it. Otherwise I try to enjoy life, I’m playing video games less and I have an INCREDIBLE backlog but I think I will get around to it in time, just trying to make other things a priority.

Maybe be the student I wasn’t in high school.

Anyway that last message hit the Instagram word limit (lmao) how are you?”

*******************

“Again on Instagram I updated my drawing/art profile”

I just finished watching Star Wars Visions and man, I wanna be a Jedi. Shit was dope.

Artistically I’ve been letting it all hit the back burner as I try to focus on school. I have like an A right now and I want to keep it that way but I got the drive a little NUDGE if you will to work on my stories/comics.

I have this feeling that if I don’t do it now, even if I hate how I draw, it’ll never get done so I gotta start the process and finish it before it’s too late. I also wanted to look up the best way to make comics because I HONESTLY feel like starting this bitch on some 8.5x11in Printer Paper and just drawing it like I would in High School or some shit. I mean those are the materials I’m comfortable with and while I’ve searched before I never did find a large format scanner, because I honestly think I’ll be better off starting on traditional media and maybe scanning it in and cleaning it up digitally. But that’s just me.

Anyway, that’s where I am right now, new blog soon coming with the new month on my website. So be there or be square… I mean you’ll still TECHNICALLY be square if you read my blog because it’s powered by Squarespace but WHATEVER.

Ok Bye.

*************

I will now continue these two, separate thoughts.

So for the words to my friend… I was going to continue writing even more, he didn’t respond to me but I guess that’s okay, maybe I was the one taking it too far, maybe the question was superficial. I guess it just jumps right into the next body of text however, I’m thinking about all the art I want to make, all the projects I have strewn about my computer that I want to complete.

I’m really just now budding as an artist, just now getting firm in my stance and planting my roots. They say some great people didn’t really pop off until they were 40 but I feel like I don’t want to just wait until some arbitrary number to go “Ok, my time to shine!” I’m sure there was much more work put in than just getting to 40. I still have 7 years until 40, 7 years is a good chunk of time.

Another thing I want to work on/accomplish is getting financially stable. I just deleted the default lists Robinhood gives you when you first open the app and now I’m going to create my own. I think a good goal to set for next year is to have at least 1 share in all the stock options I list but I’ll get serious about that in January. Buy less video games, focus on my future, that sort of thing.

I’m also dating again, or at least I created profiles on a few dating platforms. I need to get out there and meet people, I need to get laid, I need to try to make it work with someone else at least once before I decide to swear myself off from women for the rest of my days. I don’t think it’ll get that far but all my friends that got married and have kids by now, they knew what they were doing, this dating landscape is hell on earth. Believe that.

Anyway, I’m home from work early and relaxing with YouTube.

My birthday is this month, but I don’t have any plans…

Meh.

Stuck :: Exhausted

I haven’t written a poem for maybe a week or two now, and I haven’t drawn a picture in even longer.

Keeping up with the world, I think I mentioned in my last blog post that I was trying to make NFT’s? That’s gone no where from initial idea to not even a sketch. One thing about having a laptop and an iPad is that one of the two always feels unnecessary, but you need one or the other for niche things, infuriating.

I haven’t organized my photos into folders, my buddy and I are making a zine, I’m probably going to spend hours at home scanning things into my computer this weekend.

Artistically, I’m kind of a mess.

Every other aspect of my life? Not bad.

Still single and ready to mingle, the next Disco Night is at a new venue and on a Friday and I’m not sure I want to show up in my work suit but I can’t change into costume really or I feel that the costume needs at good wash and I almost want to go in my work clothes but getting the sweat out? I’m not sure. I just haven’t decided yet but I know it’s in October so maybe by the time the date comes up I’ll have made a decision. Hopefully.

I wish it were on a Saturday, so much easier to manage.

Anyway I’ve been kind of rambling here but yeah I’m artistically burnt out. I know this feeling, and generally I beat myself up for it but this time I’m going to ride it out. Just the things that I used to do and enjoy I’m doing less and less frequently as it gets easier to sit in bed and watch YouTube until I fall asleep, wake up, and do it again. Like there are videos about 18th century cooking that I’ve found myself watching and while FASCINATING I FEEL like I could be doing something better with my time, but this might be me beating myself up again.

Anyway that’s where I’m at, yo.

I should also print business cards.

Later!

Happy Birthday Obama!

My ex, the one that I can’t seem to get over and former President Barack Obama have the same birthday, so going forward I’m going to try and celebrate Obama’s birthday instead of remember my ex.

But while we’re on the topic, hello.

I can’t stop thinking about you, or maybe I’m just remembering you.

I think about those last words you said to me on xanga, how I’m just thinking about a product of my biased memory but I wonder why this is only affecting me.

I swear there was magic when we met, when we kissed, and I’ve tried and come close to finding someone else but I’m always right back to being single, ready to mingle, alone and unknown.

I don’t wallow in this emotion, I recognize the love I had for you, I want to meet someone else but it feels like I just can’t. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough? I’m really not trying at all, but I also don’t want to feel this way, again.

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ASIDE FROM ALL OF THAT YUCKY SENTIMENTAL CRAP, I’m planning for the Boston Art Book Fair again, hopefully, it will be held this year. 2019 it was held in November but I’m just trying to make sure I order books on time so that I’ll have something on hand to sell. Don’t know how many books but hopefully I’ll have the money to get at least “enough.”

Work is great, life is good, I haven’t managed to lose any weight but I’m taking this “Fat Boy Phase” in stride. It’s not the biggest concern on my mind and I think I’ll lose the weight eventually I just gotta find my routine first.

That being said, I’m hungry as I type this out and I’m trying to figure out what I’m going to eat for dinner today. I’ve been big on chicken wings recently, trying them from all sorts of different places. Some are better than others but that’s what you should expect when you have other people cooking your food right?

I’m living the dream man, and I hope you are too.

If I think of anything else to blog I’ll do it later in the month!