May the Fourth be with you

What’s up party people in the place to be?

I honestly forgot about making a blog entry until I saw that a few people had visited my Facebook page, probably looking for the blog post! Welp! Here it is!

I don’t have a lot to talk about, right now my mind is glued on my school work, mostly because I think I’ll have my bachelors degree by Summer/Fall 2028! Finally, the end is in sight! I’ve been chasing this degree thing for a long, LONG time, and really I’d been taking one class as I go, paying out of pocket because that’s all I could afford to do but now that I’m almost done there is such a feeling of relief that I’m anticipating. Feels good man.

I’ve also been going to church on Sundays. A friend has been taking me. If she wasn’t, I’m not sure I’d continue going, but the service is always on point, and it’s nice to hang out as well.

I’m not sure if I talked about earning money online but I did submit this website to Google Adsense to see if I could place ads to try and earn an income but I haven’t heard or seen anything since I set that up. You’ll obviously know the difference once you start seeing the images for toothpaste or whatever the fuck but thats what I landed on.

Anyway, I got a paper to write so I’m gonna jump back into it!

Stay safe out there!

Fame Bug Biting but I Think I'm Immune

So recently I watched this video:

And the way this guy really broke things down… I don’t think I want to be famous.

Like yeah I want to be successful, I want to make a lot of money, I want to leave my mark on the world, but I don’t want paparazzi, I don’t want red carpet events, I don’t even think I want to learn how to act and be in a movie…

I never really understood being famous, but I know in group projects I’ve been the personality hire, people tune in for me. I don’t know, maybe my feelings will change once I earn my degree, and maybe I just feel like a late bloomer, but to all these things the narrator says, I feel like my emotional needs have been met as I grew and came of age.

If I do end up in a movie, just know that it was a bit inspired by psychosis, otherwise, I might die as some obscure author, we’ll see!

Considering Therapy

What’s up party people in the place to be!? It’s ya’boi, back at it again to speak about what’s on my mind and then completely ignore this front page for another entire month! YEAH!

So like the title says, I’m considering therapy.

I’m in a good place in life right now, but my spider-senses keep telling me that I should proceed with caution.

Luckily my psychiatrist hooked me up with a list of resources that take my insurance, so I won’t have to rely on apps like BetterHealth or Talk Space which I felt weren’t quite sufficient for what I was looking for.

I’m rethinking polyamory. Maybe it’s all the example I’m seeing of “closed” relationships all around me but polyamory, while I’m experimenting with it, I don’t know how stable it can be in the long run.

Aside from just feeling like I’m dick on a Tuesday night, I want someone that cares about me and is invested in me and my growth, like I would be to them. I think that’s what it all boils down to but modern dating memes and even talking heads online tout things like “women are not your therapist” but if I can’t talk to my partner about things, what kind of relationship do I really have?

So that’s been bothering me, but we’ll see where it goes.

Other than that I’m trying to expedite my degree but stacking classes in the summer. At the rate I’m going right now it will take another 4+ years to get my bachelors degree, but I want to be done ASAP. I have a meeting with my academic advisor to throw ideas at the wall, so hopefully we land on something that sounds good!

I’d speak to you about what’s going on in the world but I’m pretty sure we’re all mad at the same guy lol

later gators.

Dutsi- Again

Juxtaposition

It’s hard being almost 40 on the internet right now.

I understand not caring about politics in your 20’s but you can’t ignore the state of the world anymore, or at least I can’t.

I don’t have an Obama centered black out curtain of the American flag draped over my eyes anymore.

And it’s so hard to figure out who or what to trust.

Like I just saw a video saying Vladimir Putin is in the Epstein files as someone who tried to save kids from the island and banned Americans from adopting Russian children.

I mean that doesn’t give him a free pass for everything else he’s done or rather, everything else I’ve been programmed to think he’s done but man if even the assumed mortal enemy of your country is really one of the good guys what the fuck else is going on? You mean I can’t blindly believe when people say these things but instead I have to add scrutiny and nuance to every talking point?

Fuck me sideways this is really fucking infuriating.

I’m glad that there are people with more fortitude than me, going through the Epstein files and creating tools to check information quickly, but what the fuck would I even search? And to make things worse all the files haven’t been released! I lm crazy enough as it is I don’t need to get any crazier.

At the end of the day I just wish I was living in the capital of the evil empire, but I suppose the world is shaped the way it is so that if you even thought about trying to establish yourself somewhere else you’d realize what an uphill battle it would actually be.

This fucking sucks.

2026: The Making of a Quick Buck

What’s up party people in the place to be?!

It’s me, AGAIN.

I’m still struggling with psychosis but it’s odd, it feels like I comes in waves.

For a few weeks I’ll be knee deep in the mind muck and then I’ll have windows of clarity like right now where I’m going “what the fuck was that all about?”

I try not to let it get to me.

No, what I’ve really been trying to figure out is how to start an online “side hustle” like a podcast or selling art, blah blah blah.

I just took a shower and it occurred to me that I used to try and write a poem, a short story, and do a quick sketch once a day back in like 2009, when I was living with my mom and didn’t have a job. That lasted about 3 months or until my mom bursted into my room and told me I needed to get a job.

But now, as I round the corner on my bachelors degree, I’m trying to figure out my “next steps.”

I have a page here dedicated to “short stories” that I haven’t familiarized myself with but I’m wondering would people pay to see those stories? Like if I put it behind a paywall on substack would that entice people? I haven’t exactly brought you to any worlds of fiction or fantasy in… 17 years but that could change! I also bought this “Story Engine” writers assistance tool and frankly I’d like to actually get out of my own head and not just write about what it feels like to go insane and still hold down a 9 to 5.

Anyway, hit me up about it. I’ll set up a Patreon or whatever else it is that I have to do and maybe we can build a wholesome little community out of this.

Later Gators!

Sorry I’m so late

What’s up party people in the place to be?

Yes I know, I’m awfully prudent about writing on the blog “X” but I’m afraid I missed our monthly update.

What can I say except for the fact that I don’t think I control myself and beyond that that someone else might control my brain or at least someone the thoughts in my head but here I am anyway at least giving you that bit of news.

My Valentine’s Day was the best that it’s ever been in at least a decade and now while I write instead of going to sleep I wonder if there are anymore good days ahead of me.

I remember at one time I was at a Childish Gambino concert in Boston and I heard “don’t give it away for free” but would anyone be interested I what I had to say if I charged a subscription for a site like “Substack” ? Would I just be reviewing things? It’s doable but I don’t know if I want to do it. I feel find screaming into the void…

Anyway!

I hope you all got your fill on Balentine’s and I’ll see you in the next one!

My Own Worst Enemy

The brain is a funny organ.

I have, what’s been diagnosed as “schizo-affective disorder.”

For the last few weeks now I have been compared, in my own mind to good for nothing, layabout jobless, incestuous, gluttonous people who claim to be smarter than I am.

They know better because they’ve been “turned up” or I’m just “slow.”

How does a brain turn against the body like this!?

I’ve been suffering with this illness since 2011, and it’s been worse than it is now, but it has ALWAYS been INFURIATING, more so because I know if I sought out “vigilante justice” against these men, I’d land myself in prison with a life sentence.

How do I end the madness.

Ideas about The Zodiac (Western)

There is a human that operates the Libra/Scales, the Scales themselves are not the totality of the sign, instead they are a means of judgement, think Anubis.

Sagittarius is a hunter.

Scorpions can survive underwater for 48 hours, hence the Water sign. Also, scorpions like other arachnids evolved from a water dwelling creatures.

SMTIV: Shin Megami Tensei IV

Okay so, one thing about my psychosis is that it centers this game, Shin Megami Tensei 4, for the Nintendo 3DS, as some kind of, significant game that like, “determines rules” for my psychosis in a sense. I’ve much back and forth in my hallucinations about the game, and while I feel nothing in particular about it, other than that it was good to play and beat, I do have some strange feelings towards in, especially when it comes to the end of the game.

All in all, I think the “true ending” is the neutral ending, but I got the “law neutral” ending the first time I played and beat the game. I’ve made a few videos to talk about my psychosis surrounding the game just to kind of document what’s been going on in my life in the event that I meet a premature death, as the voices also say they want me to be shot in the head before I can “become a celebrity.”

Here are those videos, and a meme.