What the fuck…
Having a pretty serious struggle with my psychosis right now at 4AM but the voices just said “everyone was trying to sacrifice Daniel Fairclough to something” and it hit me that time in church when I showed Aaron Bruce Wall Junior my yu-gi-oh cards and I had this one specifically:
What the fuck guys…
What’s up party people in the place to be?! It’s ya boi!
Today is the first day of July, and it is hot as hell.
Recently I’ve been struggling a lot with my psychosis. I’m been updating that other blog “X” with all of my insights but I caught myself the other day saying “I wish I could believe what the voices say.” I wish because sometimes they tell me my ex loves me, that I will get what I want, that she’s a millionaire, that we will work things out and get back together. As much as I’d like to be delulu about things like that, I know, objectively speaking, you can’t expect that from someone that refuses to speak with you on all fronts, formats and platforms.
If I want to be delulu about anything, I think it’s more practical to be delusional about getting a high paying job straight out of college, once I complete my degree program. So far, that’s looking like the year of our Lord, 2028.
I’ve also been struggling a bit with anger. Like I think back to times when people have done me wrong, and it’s not many people, but still, and I think that I should try and get revenge on them, but I know that causing any physical harm to someone will only drag my life down as well. The best thing to do is just forget about it, even if it seems like I can’t forgive these people.
Recently, as recent as yesterday I finished a 30 day drawing challenge on my “Art” instagram instagram.com/yahomiedoodles where I was tasked to draw mushroom themed images according to a prompt sheet, every day of June. I completed the challenge, and uploaded the works to this website as well, but my partner in the challenge didn’t complete it at all. He drew a few and then tapered off somewhere, like he hasn’t submitted a drawings since like day 10. This saddens me because he’s a great artist and I would like to work with him for paid projects, but this challenge was his idea to begin with and he still didn’t finish it, so I think its best to avoid trying to depend on him for art, unfortunately.
These are the most pressing things on my mind, that and making sure I complete my work for my summer classes.
I hope you all reading, every last one of you, is doing well yourselves!
See you in the next one!
One of the domineering plot lines in my psychosis is that everyone is actually homosexual and only engage in heterosexuality to produce future generations of the human race.
What’s up party people in the place to be!? Its’ YA HOMIE!
I don’t know why I forgot to update or didn’t write sooner, this has been happening lately. Maybe it’s my medication but it’s been happening with like everything I like to do, including reading manga, and I’m paying for that shit.
Anyway on the art instagram I’m trying to do a 30 day art challenge featuring mushrooms and it’s currently going right along. I think it really helped that I finished some of the drawings ahead of the day I’m posting it, with that in mind I feel like I can finish the challenge, and kind of gives me a good idea for inktober as well.
Not much is new, I’m chasing my bachelors degree this summer as well as in the fall and probably I’ll be on the same break neck speed through next year, predicting that my degree will be in 2028. Hopefully.
But also with that in mind I’m getting ready to look for a new job. I thought the other day in the shower that I didn’t want to have a boss, and I didn’t want to be a boss. And while streaming and being an internet talking head sounds cool, it’s not as if you make bank doing that overnight. A lot of the streamers I watch want to be a streamer, I want to pay my bills. We are not the same. So idk. I will say however I’m looking for jobs and companies that put creativity first, and if that fails maybe I’ll fall back to a job that pays more than my current one, but is a bit more boring.
We’ll see!
Catch’ya later!
What’s up party people in the place to be?
I honestly forgot about making a blog entry until I saw that a few people had visited my Facebook page, probably looking for the blog post! Welp! Here it is!
I don’t have a lot to talk about, right now my mind is glued on my school work, mostly because I think I’ll have my bachelors degree by Summer/Fall 2028! Finally, the end is in sight! I’ve been chasing this degree thing for a long, LONG time, and really I’d been taking one class as I go, paying out of pocket because that’s all I could afford to do but now that I’m almost done there is such a feeling of relief that I’m anticipating. Feels good man.
I’ve also been going to church on Sundays. A friend has been taking me. If she wasn’t, I’m not sure I’d continue going, but the service is always on point, and it’s nice to hang out as well.
I’m not sure if I talked about earning money online but I did submit this website to Google Adsense to see if I could place ads to try and earn an income but I haven’t heard or seen anything since I set that up. You’ll obviously know the difference once you start seeing the images for toothpaste or whatever the fuck but thats what I landed on.
Anyway, I got a paper to write so I’m gonna jump back into it!
Stay safe out there!
So recently I watched this video:
And the way this guy really broke things down… I don’t think I want to be famous.
Like yeah I want to be successful, I want to make a lot of money, I want to leave my mark on the world, but I don’t want paparazzi, I don’t want red carpet events, I don’t even think I want to learn how to act and be in a movie…
I never really understood being famous, but I know in group projects I’ve been the personality hire, people tune in for me. I don’t know, maybe my feelings will change once I earn my degree, and maybe I just feel like a late bloomer, but to all these things the narrator says, I feel like my emotional needs have been met as I grew and came of age.
If I do end up in a movie, just know that it was a bit inspired by psychosis, otherwise, I might die as some obscure author, we’ll see!
What’s up party people in the place to be!? It’s ya’boi, back at it again to speak about what’s on my mind and then completely ignore this front page for another entire month! YEAH!
So like the title says, I’m considering therapy.
I’m in a good place in life right now, but my spider-senses keep telling me that I should proceed with caution.
Luckily my psychiatrist hooked me up with a list of resources that take my insurance, so I won’t have to rely on apps like BetterHealth or Talk Space which I felt weren’t quite sufficient for what I was looking for.
I’m rethinking polyamory. Maybe it’s all the example I’m seeing of “closed” relationships all around me but polyamory, while I’m experimenting with it, I don’t know how stable it can be in the long run.
Aside from just feeling like I’m dick on a Tuesday night, I want someone that cares about me and is invested in me and my growth, like I would be to them. I think that’s what it all boils down to but modern dating memes and even talking heads online tout things like “women are not your therapist” but if I can’t talk to my partner about things, what kind of relationship do I really have?
So that’s been bothering me, but we’ll see where it goes.
Other than that I’m trying to expedite my degree but stacking classes in the summer. At the rate I’m going right now it will take another 4+ years to get my bachelors degree, but I want to be done ASAP. I have a meeting with my academic advisor to throw ideas at the wall, so hopefully we land on something that sounds good!
I’d speak to you about what’s going on in the world but I’m pretty sure we’re all mad at the same guy lol
later gators.
It’s hard being almost 40 on the internet right now.
I understand not caring about politics in your 20’s but you can’t ignore the state of the world anymore, or at least I can’t.
I don’t have an Obama centered black out curtain of the American flag draped over my eyes anymore.
And it’s so hard to figure out who or what to trust.
Like I just saw a video saying Vladimir Putin is in the Epstein files as someone who tried to save kids from the island and banned Americans from adopting Russian children.
I mean that doesn’t give him a free pass for everything else he’s done or rather, everything else I’ve been programmed to think he’s done but man if even the assumed mortal enemy of your country is really one of the good guys what the fuck else is going on? You mean I can’t blindly believe when people say these things but instead I have to add scrutiny and nuance to every talking point?
Fuck me sideways this is really fucking infuriating.
I’m glad that there are people with more fortitude than me, going through the Epstein files and creating tools to check information quickly, but what the fuck would I even search? And to make things worse all the files haven’t been released! I lm crazy enough as it is I don’t need to get any crazier.
At the end of the day I just wish I was living in the capital of the evil empire, but I suppose the world is shaped the way it is so that if you even thought about trying to establish yourself somewhere else you’d realize what an uphill battle it would actually be.
This fucking sucks.
What’s up party people in the place to be?!
It’s me, AGAIN.
I’m still struggling with psychosis but it’s odd, it feels like I comes in waves.
For a few weeks I’ll be knee deep in the mind muck and then I’ll have windows of clarity like right now where I’m going “what the fuck was that all about?”
I try not to let it get to me.
No, what I’ve really been trying to figure out is how to start an online “side hustle” like a podcast or selling art, blah blah blah.
I just took a shower and it occurred to me that I used to try and write a poem, a short story, and do a quick sketch once a day back in like 2009, when I was living with my mom and didn’t have a job. That lasted about 3 months or until my mom bursted into my room and told me I needed to get a job.
But now, as I round the corner on my bachelors degree, I’m trying to figure out my “next steps.”
I have a page here dedicated to “short stories” that I haven’t familiarized myself with but I’m wondering would people pay to see those stories? Like if I put it behind a paywall on substack would that entice people? I haven’t exactly brought you to any worlds of fiction or fantasy in… 17 years but that could change! I also bought this “Story Engine” writers assistance tool and frankly I’d like to actually get out of my own head and not just write about what it feels like to go insane and still hold down a 9 to 5.
Anyway, hit me up about it. I’ll set up a Patreon or whatever else it is that I have to do and maybe we can build a wholesome little community out of this.
Later Gators!
