Pics to prove I’m not lying:
Had a brief sentence of psychosis while attending this service:
“(Your name) would never want to grow old or go without”
Then I felt like, some kind of force splitting my head in two.
Of course my head is intact, but that hurt.
The force not the sentence.
I’m just sitting here, thinking to myself, that my goals in life are really, trying to make the world a better place, but I gotta hear about you having sex with your own father all day in my head.
God really can’t make a bad bitch without debilitating heath issues, goddamn.
It’s me, I’m the bad bitch. 💅
That last girl is what the voices say are you, so the story goes lmao
I remember reading a while ago that like 50% of the worlds comics are read by Norwegians.
Voices in my head say you’re a comic book nerd, and you didn’t want me to know that.
Recently I’ve been paying attention to comics on YouTube, watching summaries and videos about them, although I have a subscription to them myself, right now I’m making time for my school work.
I haven’t even read my Japanese Manga, and I’m usually up to date on that weekly.
The voices have been talking about you, us, all day today.
Specifically they mentioned that moment when I called Howard’s phone and called your relationship with him “intolerant.”
Well not called, but screamed.
I’m realizing now that I really did crash the fuck out on you.
And I can’t stop laughing about it lmao.
my bad hahaha
Voices say thats something only you would know.
I know what its in reference too but, those thoughts, specifically.
Hugging, Kissing, acts of intimacy, I get them every once in a while and they take me right out of my body.
A rush of endorphins at the the thought of just being skin to skin again.
I pull myself out of the delusion with a big inhale, or I stop moving if I’m walking.
I used to use violence.
I used to smack myself in the head.
I used to bang my head against the wall.
I feel like I shouldn’t have any good feelings or thoughts about you.
I feel like you should just be gone and I’m left some big, unfeeling, unflinching stone of a man.
But its the opposite thats true.
As rational as I want to be about never seeing you again, it delights me to no end to think that there’s a future between us, and if I could confirm that I promise you I’d be the happiest man in the world, or at least happier than I have ever been before.
Now here comes “reality” and “being rational.”
What a fucking let down.
Buzz kill.
Apparently this has all been a plot by your mother?
I was taking a piss as the voices spoke to me and I thought was this some convoluted scheme thought up by a woman who couldn’t have the life she wanted to or was told she should have?
Apologies to your father if this table has turned the right way, but I honestly want to be done thinking about the horrors and their consequences.
Earlier in the day the voices were saying things like:
“ (your name)’s life is in the United States with Daniel Fairclough.”
And I felt my body swell up and in the back of my mind, before I decided to write down what I was feeling, I know I was happy to hear that.
This and all of these other things, if Schizo-Affective Disorder is one part bi-polar and one part schizophrenia I guess that bi-polar part comes from hearing about you. It’s tied together for sure but I get these bubbling waves of happiness that I don’t as effectively kill in my mind like I have with the waves of sadness, when they say you were cheating on me, which I went through and entire episode about with audio messages and everything before I got to the other side of that tunnel.
That was a tunnel of dread, this is a tunnel of love.
And what accompanies it are these thoughts that one day I can tell you in person, to your face that you are my favorite person.
That one day we can lay together in bed.
That one day I can and will embrace you again.
Then I take a deep breath and sigh loudly because that too is a delusion, a hallucination, or not even, just idle thoughts triggered by the hallucinations, more “illusive ranting” to use your words.
It killed me to keep feeling for you when I was with someone else, and while my heart is a little harder now I don’t want this to last forever.
Voices just said, and this is new:
“(Your name) is too stupid to be in a serious relationship.”
Well now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, hopefully this ends sometime soon.
Voices are telling some revelation that loosely involves me or my blog and that it was talked about in circles and spaces unknown to me.
Voices also describe you as living like some Pack animal, stewing in your own feces and urine that never escaped your bedding.
So…
Ya’know…
One thing that seems to be brewing in my psychosis is this idea that because you were so committed to your plot for revenge that you sacrificed years of happiness that you could have had instead by staying and being with me in America.
I’m not necessarily sure I believe in that, because for a long time, and even now I’m barely above the poverty line, and it doesn’t seem to matter (at least for now) how much I work, I’m still living paycheck to paycheck.
Of course if we did our due diligence and got a place or lived where I am now and were on two or fucking 3 incomes here life wouldn’t be horrible, but I am absolutely measuring our happiness in our immediate material wealth.
Or maybe you’d want to travel, and maybe I’d be a teacher, and maybe we wouldn’t have children, and maybe in those bygone years we could’ve saved enough to at least own an apartment somewhere.
I can’t go trusting and just blindly believing the hallucinations, I know that, you know that, but these little, fragments of “what if” storylines, they nag me, and ever so slightly pull at my heart strings.
Voices have been quiet or, in the background for the last few days but today they keep repeating “better off”
If you want to be with (your name) you have to have been “better off” - and what I assume it trails off into is “better off without her [in your life] “
I’m, trying to focus on losing wight right now, since my school term is coming down to about the last two or three years, God willing.
I’m starting to see the end of this journey, light at the other side of the tunnel, and the possibility of what the future could hold with nothing dangling over my head.
I’m excited to jump into my art projects, investing, and really enjoying my summer and winters, maybe a bit of traveling and then new job opportunities.
This isn’t about you anymore, its really about me being excited with quiet anticipation for the end of what would have been 10-15 years of school work just chasing a bachelors degree, but of course with taking one class at a time and paying out of pocket, and of course that also means, not attending when I couldn’t pay, but it’s almost, finally fucking over.
I’m happy to have accomplished this. Once my investing starts to bear fruit I’ll look into buying a car and start driving again, go places I want to see in and out of state.
Life is good.
I wouldn’t say “better off without you” because I’d love to share in these same joys or more with you,
but even without you that hasn’t stopped life from being good.
Really trying to consider what would happen if we got bombed. If I’d have to go to work, if I’d have enough money to keep paying for, really good to survive.
How will the system break down around me?
What are my next steps?
What about my family?
Scary stuff honestly.
I’m only writing here because I think in the past maybe you viewed my country positively.
And while there are still good things about it, good people here, why isn’t it enough to enact, proper, righteous change?
We need it so badly right now, but is there some larger power telling us now isn’t the right time?
What gives… I wonder.
This really has nothing to do with you. It should be on my main blog.
But if I die in rocket fire I don’t want to leave anything unsaid.
My family knows I love them.
My friends know I love them.
Hell you of all people should know I love you!
But I guess it doesn’t hurt to say it again.
^being guided by instagram
Heh
Now I can add that Taylor Swift song to the playlist.
Voices said you’re starting to “see clear”and that you may staunchly be a lesbian.
Hopefully this self discovery you seem to be having in my head is true to you, otherwise I have no idea why I’m entering a self-realization process for someone else.
Very confusing, and in no way helpful.
My mind keeps drifting back to the girl on the train in the pink jacket that looked so much like you.
The voices want me to believe ABWjr got on the train after me and just immediately made out with her, but then they say she started to laugh.
Like I’ve mentioned previously, if thats how you want to get my attention, I don’t appreciate it, further more, you have literally every other avenue to do it, and I’d respond.
Second, I don’t think I’d want to try and start a serious relationship with someone so unserious.
The future, my future, is not something I want to leave to chance or the whims of fate, y’know?
Anyway.
In my head it keeps repeating, or I keep repeating or some part of me, past or present, existent or non-existent keeps repeating to some image or effigy of you, you know who you are.
But the story so far is that you weren’t even there on your wedding day. That somehow and in some way you got a doppleganger or someone similar enough to stand in your place and you’ve been playing a long con on Howard for god knows how long.
This all developed in the psychic world over the weekend and into Monday, it’s funny, to say the least, but tragic to be on the receiving end.
Now the voices keep repeating that same old tired mantra to you, through me (for some reason): “you should have stayed.”
And that you would have been in love with me in my terrible 20’s as I hopped from house to house party drinking myself to death and blacking out drunk damn near every other weekend.
But the reality is, had you stayed, most likely none of that would have ever come to fruition.
C’est la vie!