I am reminded of you, even when I think I shouldn’t be. You were the first person to warn me against the tragedy, the horror of nationalism, at least I think/thought it was you, all things considered, if it wasn’t, it was your account…
Not important, what you said was “nationalism is a disease” and god I wish you’d have said it to the entire country.
I still hallucinate about you. The voices a few minutes ago are trying to make me believe you’ll come and be with me in America, even after what just happened today, who our President is.
Saying that’s “hard to believe” doesn’t do justice to how far away I am from being convinced by my delusions, from being curious about my hallucinations.
I play with the idea of smoking weed again, but I also don’t want to make my symptoms worse, I want to be as far away as possible, and while I wish I could enjoy recreational marijuana like I do alcohol, maybe it’d just that “enough is enough.” Like I’ve seen the heights of marijuana, is there anything for me there?
Who knows what I’ll do.
But they still talk about you, and I’m sorry I lost my mind and gave them any weight before, I was new to this whole “mental illness” things, but now I just, I don’t know how to explain it but “reality” is much more clear to me now.
It’s still distressing to hear the voices of the people you cherish or people describing people you cherish, talk badly about you, but there is no “psychic reality” or “Wavelength” no “galaxy of skulls.”
As disappointing as that may or may not be.
There’s a lot they say about being “Norwegian” in general, and I can’t recall it all here and now, I should be doing school work, but they bring you up, that’s all I really wanted to say.
Feeling like-
I’m having a ZYN when I’m supposed to
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DKQjsPvM_Ll/?igsh=MXcyMGdpdzVvanB6Yw==
Posted with love. I guess. Maybe. I mean I thought of you, at least.
I feel seen: https://www.instagram.com/reel/DJbfSreRJw3/?igsh=ZTZ4aWg0MW5idnFx
I was playing Monster Hunter with a friend today, talking about my new friends from Sweden. Talking about how they, regardless of the fact that I technically work for them, have extended so much kindness and hospitality towards me, and encourage me, and are really just in my corner. So much so that it’s inspired me to pivot from learning Norwegian (not currently practicing mind you) and instead learn Swedish.
I joked that if it ends up anything like the plot of the movie “Midsommar” (2019) that I would happily join their cult and not even think to look back.
Ultimately I compared it to you, how instead of friendship you’ve just frozen me out, called the cops, have told me you want nothing to do with me for as long as “forever” lasts. And for a minute, recalling that, I felt a pinch of the heartbreak. How could people from countries so close together be so different?
That heartbreak is washed away by waves of elation as I think I have a new reason to visit Northern Europe, and I will.
I don’t want or expect you to read this and turn the other cheek or anything, I know I’m writing for myself, and maybe I always have been (not true) but man, I am stunned.
🇸🇪
Things remind me of you, but I can’t find it in me to really feel, at least not the way I did when you were around, and not the way I did in my past mania. Take care.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DIwURZkRh-1/?igsh=MTZuM2VsZ3E4ZnRoZw==
😂
And somehow that sneaky feeling can penetrate my mind body connection before I cast it aside.
The voices tell me I’ll be single forever.
That you can fall back in love.
And I have to think of reality, of some husband and Child somewhere else that you’ve dedicated yourself to,
where I continue to “Scare” people by expressing my warped mind and decide that all thats left for me is to dedicate myself to the pursuit of martial arts, and go die somewhere alone in the mountains, far far away from civilization.
Some images.
Goodnight.
Hope you’re doing alright:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DGfOtgpOljN/?igsh=MWJvbDBua3Zhc2Eybw==
What I didn’t say:
That doesn’t mean I didn’t love you.
It does mean that I’m sorry and I feel stupid for what I put you through.
While I’m on this new journey of self discovery, I’ll try to make sure I don’t fall back on old patterns.
You don’t have to forgive me.
You don’t have to do anything I wish you would’ve done.
It’s your body, your choice.
Your life, your choice.
I’m just a clumsy guy that only knows how to fight…
I’m sad. I’m not depressed but I am sad. I feel like however I’m turning a corner on my psychosis, and I will tell my doctor about it later today. I’m taking my medication regularly, I just hate that these hallucinations dwell on someone I loved so much, and now wants nothing to do with me, for whatever reason. But I don’t think about how good or bad it could’ve been, I write it out of my mind on social media, sure, but at the end of the day, feeling like I won’t find love again, it just makes me sad. And maybe that’s not true. For whatever reason falling in love with people feels easier to do, almost like I appreciate the ephemeral nature of these emotions, but I’m not interested in settling down. Or at least I tell myself that. I don’t know where I’m going with this.
