Why God Why?

So, as I progressed through the work day, reflecting on the dream I had this morning I had to think

“Why doesn’t the universe give me what I want?”

What I think I want.

What I feel like I want.

And maybe I should be heeding your early warning, that you’re not the same person I met so many moons ago.

Maybe I’m not prepared to receive that kind of partnership.

Maybe some greater force is protecting me from some unseen evil. A great darkness, if you will.

While the voices go on about you loving someone else I find it odd that I’ve never had this perspective before, or at least I don’t think I have.

In my mind I think I’ve run the gamut on all the things I think I could write about you, but my mom always said that I was “blessed” and if you believe in horoscope mumbo jumbo, my Chinese animal is the Dragon, so maybe I’m lucky to have missed the proverbial bullet that is you still in my life.

Who knows, but I’d like to explore this if there’s any more to explore.

Late for work

Somewhere in my mind exists an alternate reality.

In this reality we still see each other, we visit each other, we still friends, sometimes lovers, and even though you pull away you seem to come back. Or maybe it’s this one scene playing over and over again in my mind, I know it’s imaginary but it won’t release its hold on me.

I was dreaming of you this morning, so much so that I got out of bed late. Somewhere in my mind it said I should plan another trip to Norway, to do the things I set out to do the first time, sans trying to find you. And for a while that felt like a good idea, until I realized how much I have going on, on my side of the world, and if for some reason I as arrested for 6 months like the police said, that would throw one hell of a wrench on my plans. It’s safe to say that now, I have too much to lose to risk something like that. I reminded myself of that and let the feeling fade.

Voices said you wanted to be with someone white, that’s why we aren’t together.

Voices say a lot of crap, I’m just recording it at this point. Not much of it moves me like it did in the past. It doesn’t spur me to some psychotic action in regards to talking to you.

Just this blog.

And then it’s gone.

Can’t explain it

I know I’m just hallucinating.

I know the chances either don’t exist or are unlikely-

But when the voices say we’re gonna get back together, or that I’m the only one for you, I feel good, I feel like if I’m not poised to deflect those words, I get happy.

And logic, faithful, steadfast, and perhaps even morally correct (in this instance) logic, tells me to move on, ignore it, take my meds, find someone else, etc.

Did you know J.R.R. Tolkien, author of “The Lord of the Rings” didn’t see his would be wife for 3 years, wrote a letter proposing to her and she said yes?

With all of these examples of love that exist in this world and or the stories of this world am I wrong to think something just as miraculous couldn’t happen for me and you?

I feel stupid, stupid because it feels like I’m not using my head, but at the same time I am, aren’t I?

I’m seeing patterns.

I’m finding examples.

I’m leading with my heart and holding out hope,

Whether I’m doing it willingly or if it’s another symptom some pill popping will cure, it feels right to be this vulnerable and honest just as much as it feels naive and impossible.

But in the famous words of the rapper Jay-Z:

“Difficult takes a day, impossible takes a week.”

じゃまた

New Information

Voices just said that there is someone else “in love with you” but this person is female.

Voices also said that among all of the other things you may or may not be doing you’re challenged with “keeping it all to yourself.”

I’ve been pretty much ignoring what I’ve been hearing for the last few weeks, days maybe but this is a twist I didn’t expect, not that I expect to know anything, officially, rather I thought the voices would repeat things I already know or have considered in perpetuity, but I suppose I should be following the law of “The X-Files” which dictates: “Expect the unexpected.”

Au revoir.

For the record

There are some… “positive” voices in my head telling me to leave you in the past, or saying that I don’t need you anymore.

I agree with those voices.

But just like all the other voices, you come back into my mind at the mere mention of you.

What the voices don’t seem to realize and that’s I’d have moved on much farther if they never brought you up at all, a point I make and often repeat.

“Forget”

Voices are saying that they would love if I forgot you, and anyone related to you, by blood or otherwise.

Voices don’t seem to understand that generally, save for your birthday, I do my best not to think of you.

I’m still trying to live my own life, it’s not as if my “world revolves around you.” That’s not the case at all.

How could it be? After everything that’s happened to the almost emptiness I feel now, in this moment, how could I fall into some trap thinking I’d need to just “wait it out” like eventually you’d come around?

That would be the height of folly.

Time waits for no one, and time is money.

Even if I never date again or get married I still have to put food on the table for myself, right?

And it’s not even like I’m against dating.

I was seeing this girl up until last week since November of last year but I decided to call it off for personal reasons, but now I realize that yes, I do want to love again, I do want companionship again and I will try to find it.

It would be a blessing if I could talk to you about what’s wrong with me but you’ve had every opportunity to tell me your not interested, and I should listen to you.

Come and go

When I write it never ends with me just writing and leaving, it’s like a bunch of writing, responses to the voices here and there and then another sabbatical.

Voices today said a whole bunch of things. That Steinar makes fucked yo hentai manga involved defecation, that you might be a child molester, that the reason why you would’ve become a whore is because I hit like on that Facebook picture of you in the trench coat.

So many things I hear and can’t confirm, not that I think I’d want to, now.

A friend dropped by earlier today and I told him beefing about my first trip to Norway, while I’m in a better place the voices as of recent just get so oddly specific, it’s just as maddening but now I suppose I have some defense and medication to better prepare me for the onslaught.

Voices also said as I began to flip through and read some manga that somehow you and people in your life can almost, control me to make me forget my daily routines and you bet on whether or not I will remember to do them.

How odd.

Although its quiet(er)

I still hear about you. About these sexual misdeeds, about what you want and expect from a person, it pops in every now and then but maybe I think, my medication is making a difference, still, you aren’t totally gone or away.

I don’t recall how long it’s been since I posted here, probably shorter than I expect, but I did finally upload the code so that the Spotify playlist loads in the banner.

Also, I’m not certain I can monetize this website. The Google search bar flags “creative writing” as obscene like literally those two words so I don’t know what to do or if I have time to go and delete blog entries that make this website non-viable.

Whatever, I’ll find some other way to make ends meet.

This might be the last time this blog is public

Trying to make Google Adsense work for this website but I think this blog is in violation way too many times, but also the google function is flagging things like “Creative Writing” so, this blog probably won’t go away, but maybe I’ll password protect it or just make it unlinkable.

I feel like I’ve come a long way since I started this blog, and now it’s finally time to just leave all of this and all my hope for anything in the past. I’ll let anyone that still wants to read this blog, if I continue updating this blog, know the password if you fill out my contact form. Just say “you want to read X” if it’s password protected. If it’s not, well it’s gone forever. I probably won’t delete it (proably?) but you never know. I like the idea that I’m finally done with everything surrounding this, I like it a lot.

Banksy reminds me of you

Especially this new piece: https://www.instagram.com/reel/DXuPYGJCL4E/?igsh=MTRwbWJ4NGI5YjZqZw==

It calls back to when you said to me on xanga “nationalism Is a disease”

Whether it was you or someone else, here we are.

You wanted to stay

Today the voices are saying you did want to stay and keep our relationship, but there was something else that either prevented you from doing that, or something you wanted to do more.

They don’t tell me what those things are, those things that prevented you from being with me, the voices kind of start loud and get quieter as they begin to explain their reasoning, which I know sounds like a convenient lie from someone trying to convince you that they’re crazy but if I wanted to really let you know I’d be in prison in Norway again.

I’m not sure what I feel anymore. Or at least for today. Maybe my mood matches the grey weather and fog outside, as I hear things that should make me either happy or sad but I just feel tired.

What I need is to hear from you, not some, illusion or hallucination.

I try to live my life with as little “delulu” as possible and all the while the world tells me it’s okay to wish from what may never happen.

I’d wish to get back together with you.

Well that and a million dollars but I’m closer to earning a million dollars than I think I am closer to talking to you again so that supersedes that.

Ugh.

Psychosis in Church

Pics to prove I’m not lying:

Had a brief sentence of psychosis while attending this service:

“(Your name) would never want to grow old or go without”

Then I felt like, some kind of force splitting my head in two.

Of course my head is intact, but that hurt.

The force not the sentence.

The Bowels of Hell: Darkness

I’m just sitting here, thinking to myself, that my goals in life are really, trying to make the world a better place, but I gotta hear about you having sex with your own father all day in my head.

God really can’t make a bad bitch without debilitating heath issues, goddamn.

It’s me, I’m the bad bitch. 💅

Some Statistic about Norwegians

I remember reading a while ago that like 50% of the worlds comics are read by Norwegians.

Voices in my head say you’re a comic book nerd, and you didn’t want me to know that.

Recently I’ve been paying attention to comics on YouTube, watching summaries and videos about them, although I have a subscription to them myself, right now I’m making time for my school work.

I haven’t even read my Japanese Manga, and I’m usually up to date on that weekly.

The voices have been talking about you, us, all day today.

Specifically they mentioned that moment when I called Howard’s phone and called your relationship with him “intolerant.”

Well not called, but screamed.

I’m realizing now that I really did crash the fuck out on you.

And I can’t stop laughing about it lmao.

my bad hahaha

I'm a lesbian?

Voices say thats something only you would know.

I know what its in reference too but, those thoughts, specifically.

Hugging, Kissing, acts of intimacy, I get them every once in a while and they take me right out of my body.

A rush of endorphins at the the thought of just being skin to skin again.

I pull myself out of the delusion with a big inhale, or I stop moving if I’m walking.

I used to use violence.

I used to smack myself in the head.

I used to bang my head against the wall.

I feel like I shouldn’t have any good feelings or thoughts about you.

I feel like you should just be gone and I’m left some big, unfeeling, unflinching stone of a man.

But its the opposite thats true.

As rational as I want to be about never seeing you again, it delights me to no end to think that there’s a future between us, and if I could confirm that I promise you I’d be the happiest man in the world, or at least happier than I have ever been before.

Now here comes “reality” and “being rational.”

What a fucking let down.

Buzz kill.