Somehow the voices tell me things I haven’t heard before, like what really happened when you returned to the DR and got hazed. They’re saying they poured semen all over you.
With all of the realization I had years ago, I can’t say I care enough or at all about these things. I write it down sure but it doesn’t light a fire in me like it used to, albeit, there are embers of annoyance.
The girl I liked when I first got to high school is married with a child.
She dated my younger brother for a while, didn’t really go anywhere but maybe it’s the pattern recognition in my psychosis but this feels like a theme for me.
Love lost.
Missed opportunity.
Life doesn’t get much or any better, possibly considerably worse if I did or didn’t fuck one chick, but it’s so hard to sit here and hear all of these voices talk about who you love more, which guy you’d rather suck off, if you were or if you weren’t sexually assaulted.
That’s not all the same as love lost but the voices keep going “you should have stayed” as if they’re talking to you. And why don’t they just talk to you? They’d get it straight from the horses mouth! What you do and don’t like about me, what you will and won’t ever do for or to me ever again.
I can’t convince them of anything and yet somehow they react to my every action…
This blog, for a change, isn’t a response to something I’m hearing.
I just saw that old crush’s Instagram post, because we’re friends, and I thought about would life be different if I dated her. Who knows maybe she’d hate black guys too if I did.
So many people just hate me after dating me and I don’t know why.
This is going places I don’t want it to go. Stopping now.
I don’t want a blowjob.
I want to/wanted to talk.
I just needed someone to listen to me, tell me the truth about all of this, and maybe a hug.
I don’t want a blowjob.
I’ve never asked you for a blowjob.
Voices in my head say ABWJr and the guy all the way on the left of that photo with him and his Father, Pastor BW, SJL (I don’t know his middle name now that I think about it) but the guy with dreadlocks I think, that they just “turned all the way up” and had a threesome with you.
They also said “Daniel Fairclough doesn’t get pissed off.”
Am I supposed to?
Do the voices not know anything about you?
Sure I’m mad about you/madly in love with you, pick your poison, but you have, on multiple occasions, said I would never have anything to do with your life, and also that you’d spread racism/racist remarks about me.
So if you’re letting it all hang out and getting sucked and fucked by someone else, radio waves/psychic beams or otherwise, why would I care? Why should I care? You have already told me that you basically hate me. I’m just writing to convince my loving heart that it has a snowballs chance in hell to love you again.
Beyond that, why use these radio waves at all? Why not buy a Kiiroo? I remember showing you this years ago in e-mails, all the technology that exists to support long distance relationships now. Although this looks a bit different nowadays, from when it first came out. I’ll have to do more research on it, but its not like I’m planning to be in a long distance relationship anytime soon… why bother…
Maybe I wrote it in an e-mail. That time I got drunk and slept on a bench and lost my phone, only to track it down the next day with my iPod touch.
That was my “never give up” story.
Voices in my head say you’re emulating me, and that you’ve learned, from all my madness, to “never give up” on someone.
So you’re out there making your playlist for the person you really want to be with, because somehow also, in my psychosis, you’ve done the work of staying away from Howard for a year to get your divorce.
I wish they would just leave me out of it.
I wish they would just talk amongst themselves and I can go off and do the things I want.
Date the women I want to date.
Workout without “stinging light.”
etc etc
Since last night it’s sounded like everyone I know is in my head and can see and hear the things that I see…
Voices keep saying you’re old.
This is a Twitter meme now
Voices have been vocal these last two days, I’m sure you can tell, but one of the subplots now is that they claim you want me dead, or to be killed.
sometimes they say “that’s the opposite” but what is the opposite? To live a long fulfilling life?
It’s, again, distressing.
And to dig a bit deeper into that, maybe I’m being paranoid but I remember talking to you and you were big into getting revenge on xanga. Or maybe that was someone else using your account to message me.
When I was arrested I found out that your culture of revenge is a Viking belief/practice.
So where am I going with this?
I guess what I’m saying is I’m afraid you’ll try to get your revenge on me.
I don’t know what that looks like, but I do know that even with this increased amount of paranoia and anxiety I would still welcome you back into my life, even if somehow that means my life is forfeit.
Something in my just wants you that much.
I mean, it would be disingenuous for me to be doing all of this, writing all of this, feeling all of this, explaining all of this to go “nah, I’d drop you like a bad habit.”
Curiosity kills the cat and I’ve got a few lives left to lose I suppose.
Voices in my head keep saying you’ve quit your job and are living out of a brothel with your dad, that or your dad regularly visits you.
Voices say it was my emails that spurred on you being “raped” at work, with them forcing and piling on new projects for you, and if it weren’t for my “harassment” campaign, perhaps that would have never happened.
Maybe it was revenge, because when I was emailing you from the Herb Chambers with my company email, I got fired for it. I don’t know if someone on your end made the call or if it was internal with Herb Chambers but I was let go. I was pissed, but it wasn’t a great job to begin with, and honestly I’m blessed to be doing the work I’m doing now. I had a fairly good outcome losing those two jobs I was working back when the voices dominated more of my mind and actions.
I can only hope you’ve had some good outcome from leaving your job or whatever it is you’re doing yourself. If you’re doing what you’ve always wanted to do, like the voices suggest, or you’ve found some other opportunity that completely erases your presence online, and doesn’t leave a small paper trail like the last place.
This could just all be bullshit from my hallucinations however, it looks as if your company website has gone the way of most Norwegian internet presence, and either hasn’t been updated or is dead in the water, for one reason or another.
Either way, I wish you the best.
And that honestly feels like all I can do now.
Except for this, of course.
Someone is impersonating you or claiming to be you or using your name to state atrocities that happened to them.
So far, or at least most recently that culprit has been ABWJr’s younger sister, “OW.” Or at least that’s what the voices say.
Something about that rap group “Three Six Mafia” too. I don’t know that they’ve made any significant contributions to music Ina long time now however.
Voices just said you have been “having sex” (being raped, really) by your father since you were 8 years old…
You have all this information.
Who she really wants.
Why we won’t work.
Who this is really for.
Why I should move on.
etcetera etcetera etcetera:
Why bring her up at all?
If we are so incompatible.
So, as YLVIS put it: “Intolerant”
Voices, I beg you-
I pray-
I beseech you!!!
Why mention her?
Why talk about her?
Why use her name as some kind of code?!
You have all this knowledge, hidden from my rational brain,
WHERE IS THE LOGIC IN THIS!?
If You’re trying to drive me crazy, CONGRATULATIONS, IT WORKED!
WHAT ELSE IS THERE!?
Voices keep telling me you and your family had planned on killing me, or forcing me to eat feces.
It’s, distressing.
I have to contest the good thoughts and feelings with the bad.
Then they say “it’s the opposite” but what truly, is, the opposite?
Now I have to be rational.
Would a family of 5 with a toddler and an eight year old really try to commit a murder?
It seems unlikely.
But I just don’t know anymore.
I guess that was the price I paid when I signed my mind away to insanity.
Maybe it’s a term you’ve heard of but the current voices in my head, it might be new to them.
Anyway I’ve read “The Ethical Slut” so I have some ideas around polyamory.
My thing is this current dialogue in my mind still rides on relationships and cheating on their partner.
Now I have no idea or any desire, presently, for us to get back together, really that’s a you thing, but for everyone else reading this or not, I think it’s time for you to ditch the “Nuclear Family” model and go get yourself a harem or some shit.
Ya’gotta do it different nowadays.
✌️
Alright, here’s something I’ve been sleeping on and not telling a soul but I guess I’ll tell you:
I think people my age that have already had a child have given up on their dreams and ambition.
Furthermore, some “feeling” / “voice” in my head was making me feel like if I had a daughter I’d name her after you.
In no way on America’s green goddamned soil would I ever give a half-black girl your name for any reason, whatsoever.
It’s bad enough black people get called out for names like “Sharqueesha” or “Jamalcolm” but to give my child your medieval-esque turn before the century as name would be a death sentence.
And that’s all I have to say about that.
✌️
It’s either a good thing that we’re not together, or some alien force wants us to be together
Voices say you only want to be with him, if there was a song that matched your convictions, I’d imagine it was this one:
I have the picture still, of me wearing your travel pack in New York.
Voices say you gave a guy a handjob right behind me as I was looking at the squirrel. I remember turning to look at you, you took my picture, but that guy, did he spit on you?
And then he walked a bit forward and disappeared…
The voices play “everything I say is the opposite.”
Then they go, you wanted to be with ABWJr.
“That’s the opposite.” They say.
And then I hear something like “Dan Fairclough you’re the only one I want to be with!”
But if the first statement was “the opposite” how can I trust the next one? If I’m not the only one, I’m not stopping you from being with anyone else.
My love isn’t trying to possess or control you, disembodied voice.
Be free!
I know I can trust what these voices say, and I’ve heard so much, but I really want this to be over and for some reason I see no end in sight.
It sucks.
Voices say you would laugh at me while and after talking with me online and then go and have sex with your cousin.
While that sounds like someone else the voices have been talking about, they’re attributing it to you.
Another voice goes “Dan doesn’t want to know anything” and while somehow they seem aware of that, they keep telling me things and I keep typing.
I’m not writing as a former begging to “get you back.”
If any of this shit is true you sound like one of the worst people that could ever exist in the history of humanity.
And while I’d like to hear it from the horses mouth I have no hope of that either.
This is so dumb and so unnecessary it feels like, to me at least, but maybe I’m the only one.
