2 move on or 2 stagnate

I talk about wanting to move on from you all the time, but I’d be just as happy if we started over again.

My hallucinations are of you being playful with me, being silly, kissing me, etc.

All these things and more that bring up good feelings.

I keep trying to tell myself that all these stories of you are just me hallucinating, but god do I want them to be real. I want to believe that on your corner of the earth you’re fighting just as hard to make it back to me, and then we can start our next chapter, and I hate that I have to have the right programming to stop myself short from believing this nonsense and just go about my daily routines, trying to make my life better bit by bit, one step at a time.

It sucks, because I think I want both: freedom from my love for you and to love you forever and know that you love me too.

In my mind

In my mind we’re making out.

We’re making out so fucking hard dude…

I’m like, being playful and kissing you while talking like Pepe Le’Pew, you know, the skunk from Loony Tunes that is in love with the cat that gets paint on its back.

And I’m holding you close and you’re giving me those goldfish kisses until YOU grab MY head and hold me there, and we really start going at it. Tongue thrashing lip biting really just giving it gusto. Little bit of drool maybe, and I’m grabbing your ass and sticking one hand down your pants and the next up your shirt, under your bra, really trying to leave my mark on you.

And in reality, as my erection grows and I go to look at some porn to release some steam, I recall that this is most likely never going to happen again, my erection loses blood, I feel cold, the inverse of those thoughts that brought me the warm and fuzzy feeling.

I must reiterate

Because I’m fucking talking to the goddamn air: I’m not asking you to get back into a romantic relationship with me.

Like as logical as I have been, two posts ago, the voices keep saying shit like “she would have to kill someone to get away from you”

like damn bitch, if it’s not going to work out in any capacity just fucking say that! Let me fucking move on, what the fuck???

just over and fucking over again.

"Loose Screw"

Voices just called me a loose screw, because apparently the “correct” thing to do is find a woman I love half as much and have a family with her that I’ll regret while I constantly think of a you with or without my consent and be forced to revisit all of the emotions I feel or felt while trying to maintain some semblance of a relationship with someone else.

Fuck that

I don’t want to “do the right thing”

fuck that noise

Makes sense to me!

“If you can’t give me everything, don’t give me anything at all.”

I say that to myself because I do want love, to love again, to love someone who loves me back.

I don’t want to sit here an consider everything you did and didn’t do, you type for a living and can’t respond to an e-mail.

You’ve called the cops on me.

You’ve warned me you’d promote racism.

And I have the logical facilities to know that you and whomever believes your racist ideology is someone I should avoid.

That makes sense to me.

Voices tell you you’d try to spend all the money I have saved for retirement, and maybe it was foolish that I shared that with you.

Voices say the day you walked away from on Newbury Street, you would have taken my credit card (had I had one) and have bought a trip far far away from me. Maybe back home, maybe somewhere else, who knows!

I have both hallucinatory and real evidence that we won’t work out in any kind of relationship if these issues aren’t addressed.

I’m not holding out hope!

I want to move on!

But if I can’t move forward what else can I do?!

I’ve tried everything.

I won’t kill myself, my life and the people in it are more valuable than just you.

And yes in my memory of you you’re my favorite person, but like you said something similar in that xanga message, thats just you in my mind.

I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT! I GET IT!

So why must I suffer so much? WHY!?

All the other guys in my head

They weren't married!

I shared a clip with James Baldwin, who I recognized, and Nikki Giovanni in conversation. I thought they were married due to the way they were speaking to each other, they were not.

It was a very intimate conversation, the full conversation is on YouTube, but like, why ask a Gay man questions like that? Maybe if you substituted the yearning black woman for a man it’d read more true to his nature, instead he had to envision hypotheticals he would never be in.

Idk, but I wanted to clear that up.

The FBI

Yeah, I did contact the FBI after I got scammed and now the voices are saying one of the parents of your study abroad group was arrested.

Literally everyone seems to get what they want as long as they don’t interfere with my life, why is that such a hard lesson to learn?

Why wouldn’t I call the FBI? It’s that kind of a case. Fake bank accounts and a fake Cheque? This is FUCKING FRAUD! Get got you fucking loser.

Anyway they cleared my red flag with that bank and I can open an account with them again.

Not sure if I will though.

The fuck did I do?

Plenty, is the answer, but before that? When I was just a ball of energy and wanted to see you as soon as possible and as often as possible?

Voices say the boys in your study abroad program would have tried to murder me. Maybe this is leading up to a confession of someone that was actually murdered, who knows, but as far as my life goes that makes twice now that I’ve dodged a bullet, if what they’re saying is true.

But being someone “Norwegians” can’t stand? What right does this voice have to speak for all of Norway in my mind? Pretty big ego, no?

————————-

Separate thought:

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DSFs7_YCuB9/?igsh=MWJvNTRhbWUzazR0Yw==

This is a video of James Baldwin and I assume his wife. James eventually came out of the closet, or at least he was known to be homosexual, so this video is particularly powerful to me as it says in my mind that he could only give this woman that loves him his spit and vinegar but at work he’s all polite and smiling to his white superiors and they like him for it.

I don’t only have spit and vinegar for you, and if I have any left maybe I can put it in writing.

I’m saying that like we’re gonna get back together…

I’ve been inundated with visions/hallucinations of meeting you at the airport. Taking you all in with all of my senses, or you hitting me up with an address and I make my way there to finally have you in my arms.

That ain’t spit and vinegar.

That right there is honeyed words haha

Sweet nothings, if you will.

This is Hell

Is it wrong for me to want you to just be okay?

Happy, healthy, flourishing, all of the above?

I sit here, hearing these voices talk about a relationship that once was and feel the good feeling that come with that, then the immediate fall from grace into the low vibrational feelings of sadness, loneliness, anger, sorrow.

What am I supposed to do with this?

Surely, this is hell.

Wherever you are in the world I hope you’re alright.

I want to be okay too but like this relationship that doesn’t exist it seems the good times are also only for one of us.

“Keep it to yourself”

Voices are telling me hallucinations about famous media personalities that hear voices but are successful because they either don’t share what they hear with anybody or they share what they hear to a professional as opposed to me, spilling my thoughts out into cyber space.

they want me to believe one of these successful famous persons is Mr. Beast, among others…

The Boys

Voices have shifted gears and decided to inspire me to think about the group of young men that were also in your study abroad group.

They say Howard was one of them, and that the age shit and became homosexual to try and figure out what they should have been doing to feed themselves and quench their own thirst.

Howard apparently gets incredibly upset when people make fun of him, because of the hardships he suffered during that trip, and thinks it’s bad enough that I’ve Americanized his name.

Someone in that group “really wanted to make a porno” and in this psychic revelation I’m having we learned that he was “someone from Denmark” but this was in those emails from so long ago that I sent.

Howard sounds like he sucks to hang out with, like a real drag, a party pooper lol, and it’s hard to say that without smirking a bit, if I am to believe these telepathic transmissions, hahaha!

Words

Howard:

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DaJx0XSPwAN/?igsh=MjhmM2M1OWRxc2wz

Me:

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Daeg65mvqjq/?igsh=NjkwYmdkYXlqcmto

Exodus

Are these voices trying to convince me to be in love with you? Because it’s not working.

I mean its working a little, its nice to think that you breaking away from everything that makes you Norwegian, for me, is happening, but in the reality that my hands typing this exists in, that isn’t true, it’s not real, I can’t sit here and just be madly in love with a person that despite all my efforts to contact them, they haven’t responded.

Of course I should consider that the voices play the game “everything I say is the opposite” but I’m not logging how many times I’ve misread the cryptic message they try to convey to me via telepathy.

I’m just going up and down over here.

Evolving

Somehow, in my psychosis, Howard, whom I’ve never heard speak, unless it’s your brother, is trying to “predict my next move.” Act as if he’s completely “figured me out.”

I have nothing to hide, in fact I’d argue that I’ve hid nothing.

In the background there’s some substitute for your voice, telling Howard you’ve chosen him, that he’s what you want, etc etc and all the things that come with those musings.

I’m not sure how to proceed, other than to do what I should continue to do.

I know the reality that’s in front of me, and how to deal with that, and push on with that, much like you have that man, Howard, and I suppose also your child to deal with, and whatever comes with your life on the other side of the world.

Logically that all makes sense, but nothing seems logical about these voices.