It is Absurd to Still Love You

And somehow that sneaky feeling can penetrate my mind body connection before I cast it aside.

The voices tell me I’ll be single forever.

That you can fall back in love.

And I have to think of reality, of some husband and Child somewhere else that you’ve dedicated yourself to,

where I continue to “Scare” people by expressing my warped mind and decide that all thats left for me is to dedicate myself to the pursuit of martial arts, and go die somewhere alone in the mountains, far far away from civilization.

Some images.

Goodnight.

What I said:

What I didn’t say:

That doesn’t mean I didn’t love you.

It does mean that I’m sorry and I feel stupid for what I put you through.

While I’m on this new journey of self discovery, I’ll try to make sure I don’t fall back on old patterns.

You don’t have to forgive me.

You don’t have to do anything I wish you would’ve done.

It’s your body, your choice.

Your life, your choice.

I’m just a clumsy guy that only knows how to fight…

Snus, while sad and cold in Boston

I’m sad. I’m not depressed but I am sad. I feel like however I’m turning a corner on my psychosis, and I will tell my doctor about it later today. I’m taking my medication regularly, I just hate that these hallucinations dwell on someone I loved so much, and now wants nothing to do with me, for whatever reason. But I don’t think about how good or bad it could’ve been, I write it out of my mind on social media, sure, but at the end of the day, feeling like I won’t find love again, it just makes me sad. And maybe that’s not true. For whatever reason falling in love with people feels easier to do, almost like I appreciate the ephemeral nature of these emotions, but I’m not interested in settling down. Or at least I tell myself that. I don’t know where I’m going with this.

Fuck

Voices in my head say my ex would’ve just wanted to be with someone else. Which is how relationships work when you’re a teenager right? Nothing about that is too sad, or abnormal, especially now that I’m literally in my mid thirties. Given everything I’ve done and said in madness, YEAH, I WOULDVE BEEN FUCKING UPSET, NO SHIT.

But also, I would’ve moved on, like I’m trying to do now.

Failed to send


Voices in my head keep saying I was just to butt of a joke to my ex. I sent a message on @facebook to @Ylvis a LLOOONNGGGGG time ago asking for my madness and at the time, unrequited love of this woman to be a joke when they were the host of the late night Norwegian show “I kveld med” (I kveld med YLVIS https://g.co/kgs/yPDcqJe)

I don’t know what else I can do, voices.

At this point, everything I can say has already been said, voices.

It sounds like we’re better off apart, voices.

What the fuck do you want from me?

Stupid.

Voices in my head imply that if I were in Norway, I could simply walk outside and have sex with anyone I want. My ex was “turned all the way up” and somehow tapped into the network of all the girls/women that want to be with me, and thought I was gay for not trying to bed them, constantly, even though I am completely unaware to what the voices refer to when they say they’re “turned up.”

Beyond that, I’m a black guy in the United States, and Boston, no less, where a one Michael Che stated was “racist” on one episode of @nbcsnl a few years ago.

So let’s put all of that together, without even considering the history of black skin in the United States.

As much as the mainstream media portrays the black man, having black features, black skin? As “cool” and “in-style” a piece of culture to appropriate or aspire to, we African Americans still have the boot of the system stomping down on our collective necks, and that fractured relationships we have as a community don’t help, either.

It’s not that easy.

And while I’m fucking ranting: Viking culture talks a lot about revenge.

Let’s say I do go sucking and fucking across Scandinavia, you think there ain’t one person that might get attached? One person that might not want me to sow my seed with anyone else? One person who’s cheating on their partner and they find out so they’re out for blood?

So many things could just fucking happen man.

So fucking stupid.

Been Tweeting A Lot

Haven’t uploaded it here, haven’t felt the need to, but I am uploading this one.

This episode I’m in now is wild, and maybe it’s dawned on me because I’ve stayed up late, working overnights and general fuckery but goddamn I want this to be over.