Giving Up VS Growing Up

Maybe I am building a tolerance to my medication. I know I have to wait a while for the effect to kick in but I want to escape these voices, these thoughts sooner, rather than later.

Let me tell you about some of them, not that you care:

I have this one fantastical delusion that you have an apartment or a home somewhere in Boston, and when the time is right you’ll contact me to come visit you or live with you and we start over again.

I know that’s not rooted in reality but it’s a delusion I come back to over and over again. I can’t shake it, but Im not giving into it either. It just exists in the periphery of my mind most days, when the voices are acting up.

And just now the voices have caught wind that you’ve had a child, although I knew that when I was arrested, however, the voices also say you don’t, and that it’s someone else’s child and when I think back to that picture of you and Maren and the other girls on the balcony I thought you looked good for someone that had a kid.

But I don’t know anything, and I know that I don’t know anything so I choose not to believe the voices. I’ve always chosen that honestly, except during certain moments I can recall, but its tiresome being worn down by hallucinations, hallucinations that tell me about the things I want or want to hear, and having to constantly deny that because it doesn’t actually exist in reality.

It’s not as painful, but my body still reacts to the thought of you.

And I don’t mean to be a home wrecker, to destroy your family or anything, and maybe you love that child with the same passion or more than I love you. They say child birth changes a woman's brain physically, so it could be completely over for me and you… “could be…” why can’t I just say that it is completely over for me and you.

I know why, because of media, because of history, because of life, because I know the lengths I would go to personally to make it work and it feels like some little part of me that keeps holding out hope, keeps living in the delusions keeps on loving you can just override my logical mind and take complete control what the fuck.

If I ever love someone this much again or more I need to make sure they love me back in the same way.

I hate this.

Overnight Shift so Obviously Voices

I’m getting messages from the ads on Instagram now.

They say I’m not a better artist than I currently am because I didn’t become a “neet.”

I had the opportunity, I think, but I chose being around people more than sitting and drawing all day.

I don’t know if it helped or hurt me, well I have voices now, but that’s not the point:

The voices said that like you already know or have that information.

Have you reached enlightenment?

Can you show me how/what you know?

I recall when you told me you knew how the Pirate Bay works, and I scoffed and said no you didn’t.

It’s been years since then, and even more time that we haven’t spoken a standard conversation to each other, who knows what you’ve filled that precious mind with.

You were never dumb in my opinion.

But I suppose my opinion ain’t really important to you nowadays.

20mg Olanzapine

Up 5mg from 15.

I’m worried it’ll do something awful to my body, but I think the maximum dose is 50.

I just want the voices to go away. I want to stop hearing about you, then I want to stop thinking about you.

You’ve moved on, started a family, living life to the best you may know how, or the opposite is true, and either way you don’t want me to be a part of any of it.

So why did God or the Universe see if fair to grant you freedom from me but not me freedom from you? Or why did my freedom come with a time limit?

Bullshit.

But it’s not like I’m some pathetic wretch sitting on my hands and crying about it.

If I have to go to the maximum dose for these meds I will.

I don’t like thinking about it but I also have a life to maintain, don’t I?

Getting Worse

I think I wrote that my psychosis is getting worse. If I didn’t write that I’m writing it now.

I told that to my psychiatrist earlier in the morning yesterday and she upped the dosage of my medication.

I’m worried I’ll just keep building a tolerance to this crap but there’s seemingly nothing else I can do.

I don’t think I’ll go back to “harassing” you, I’ve got this blog shit pretty locked in, but I saw a woman that looked like you after work today and she walked right by me with her head turn down to the ground.

If you wanted to talk to me, you would.

That’s what I tell myself.

I’m blocked on your end, you aren’t blocked on mine.

But I want some relief.

I don’t want some woman that looks like you so I can play pretend, I’d just like to talk again.

Maybe more.

Maybe less.

What a mess.

YOU

Voices say you already “gave your life” for blah blah blah

And that you’ve been over on your side of the world “getting screwed”

All word play, puns for things I can only imagine.

If this is all set in stone then why do they keep talking about you? What do they expect me to do?

All morning

My psychosis, despite me taking my meds, seems to be getting worse.

All morning I’ve been hearing about your promiscuity.

It’s making me feel sick to my stomach.

I feel like I shouldn’t feel anything, yet here I am, none the wiser.

Standstill

In my mind it sounds as if they’re forcing you to relieve traumatic moments of your life and that makes you staunchly double down on being a wretch.

It’s not working for either side, but you’re just fine with the way things are, in fact, I believe you could even go as far as to make things worse, couldn’t you?

Of course, this is me reacting to madness, and not necessarily reality.

I don’t even know what’s real.

I still have a job though lmao

Stadium Status

Where I go from here, God only knows.

The voices in my head are talking about a great many things today.

How I’ve outshined people.

When another girlfriend of mine tossed my salad.

And you, of course, as per usual.

Right now they’re barging up when you said you’d “never want to be with a celebrity”

and for the last few days the voices have been going on and on about how I’m their “inspiration”

That I have “one uped” or “outdone” my peers…

That apparently, makes me the talk of the town.

And you’d never want to be with the talk of the town, and I’m not here to try to convince you or attempt to force you.

But I wonder why.

My mind races back to conversations about “self-control” and being a “strong” person, and my mind plunges into this idea that if you were as well known as I am, and you knew my peers, you’d just cheat on me, constantly, with them.

And you wonder why I thought you would’ve done porn.

But that’s even more delusional than I already am. (Which is pretty fucking delusional, mind you.)

And then I go and say, thats stupid, but I know that Compulsive Sexual Behavior happens in adults that were abused as children so if it’s that then were you abused as a child and how often?

I just want this shit to make sense.

Why God Why?

So, as I progressed through the work day, reflecting on the dream I had this morning I had to think

“Why doesn’t the universe give me what I want?”

What I think I want.

What I feel like I want.

And maybe I should be heeding your early warning, that you’re not the same person I met so many moons ago.

Maybe I’m not prepared to receive that kind of partnership.

Maybe some greater force is protecting me from some unseen evil. A great darkness, if you will.

While the voices go on about you loving someone else I find it odd that I’ve never had this perspective before, or at least I don’t think I have.

In my mind I think I’ve run the gamut on all the things I think I could write about you, but my mom always said that I was “blessed” and if you believe in horoscope mumbo jumbo, my Chinese animal is the Dragon, so maybe I’m lucky to have missed the proverbial bullet that is you still in my life.

Who knows, but I’d like to explore this if there’s any more to explore.

Late for work

Somewhere in my mind exists an alternate reality.

In this reality we still see each other, we visit each other, we still friends, sometimes lovers, and even though you pull away you seem to come back. Or maybe it’s this one scene playing over and over again in my mind, I know it’s imaginary but it won’t release its hold on me.

I was dreaming of you this morning, so much so that I got out of bed late. Somewhere in my mind it said I should plan another trip to Norway, to do the things I set out to do the first time, sans trying to find you. And for a while that felt like a good idea, until I realized how much I have going on, on my side of the world, and if for some reason I as arrested for 6 months like the police said, that would throw one hell of a wrench on my plans. It’s safe to say that now, I have too much to lose to risk something like that. I reminded myself of that and let the feeling fade.

Voices said you wanted to be with someone white, that’s why we aren’t together.

Voices say a lot of crap, I’m just recording it at this point. Not much of it moves me like it did in the past. It doesn’t spur me to some psychotic action in regards to talking to you.

Just this blog.

And then it’s gone.

Can’t explain it

I know I’m just hallucinating.

I know the chances either don’t exist or are unlikely-

But when the voices say we’re gonna get back together, or that I’m the only one for you, I feel good, I feel like if I’m not poised to deflect those words, I get happy.

And logic, faithful, steadfast, and perhaps even morally correct (in this instance) logic, tells me to move on, ignore it, take my meds, find someone else, etc.

Did you know J.R.R. Tolkien, author of “The Lord of the Rings” didn’t see his would be wife for 3 years, wrote a letter proposing to her and she said yes?

With all of these examples of love that exist in this world and or the stories of this world am I wrong to think something just as miraculous couldn’t happen for me and you?

I feel stupid, stupid because it feels like I’m not using my head, but at the same time I am, aren’t I?

I’m seeing patterns.

I’m finding examples.

I’m leading with my heart and holding out hope,

Whether I’m doing it willingly or if it’s another symptom some pill popping will cure, it feels right to be this vulnerable and honest just as much as it feels naive and impossible.

But in the famous words of the rapper Jay-Z:

“Difficult takes a day, impossible takes a week.”

じゃまた

New Information

Voices just said that there is someone else “in love with you” but this person is female.

Voices also said that among all of the other things you may or may not be doing you’re challenged with “keeping it all to yourself.”

I’ve been pretty much ignoring what I’ve been hearing for the last few weeks, days maybe but this is a twist I didn’t expect, not that I expect to know anything, officially, rather I thought the voices would repeat things I already know or have considered in perpetuity, but I suppose I should be following the law of “The X-Files” which dictates: “Expect the unexpected.”

Au revoir.

For the record

There are some… “positive” voices in my head telling me to leave you in the past, or saying that I don’t need you anymore.

I agree with those voices.

But just like all the other voices, you come back into my mind at the mere mention of you.

What the voices don’t seem to realize and that’s I’d have moved on much farther if they never brought you up at all, a point I make and often repeat.

“Forget”

Voices are saying that they would love if I forgot you, and anyone related to you, by blood or otherwise.

Voices don’t seem to understand that generally, save for your birthday, I do my best not to think of you.

I’m still trying to live my own life, it’s not as if my “world revolves around you.” That’s not the case at all.

How could it be? After everything that’s happened to the almost emptiness I feel now, in this moment, how could I fall into some trap thinking I’d need to just “wait it out” like eventually you’d come around?

That would be the height of folly.

Time waits for no one, and time is money.

Even if I never date again or get married I still have to put food on the table for myself, right?

And it’s not even like I’m against dating.

I was seeing this girl up until last week since November of last year but I decided to call it off for personal reasons, but now I realize that yes, I do want to love again, I do want companionship again and I will try to find it.

It would be a blessing if I could talk to you about what’s wrong with me but you’ve had every opportunity to tell me your not interested, and I should listen to you.

Come and go

When I write it never ends with me just writing and leaving, it’s like a bunch of writing, responses to the voices here and there and then another sabbatical.

Voices today said a whole bunch of things. That Steinar makes fucked yo hentai manga involved defecation, that you might be a child molester, that the reason why you would’ve become a whore is because I hit like on that Facebook picture of you in the trench coat.

So many things I hear and can’t confirm, not that I think I’d want to, now.

A friend dropped by earlier today and I told him beefing about my first trip to Norway, while I’m in a better place the voices as of recent just get so oddly specific, it’s just as maddening but now I suppose I have some defense and medication to better prepare me for the onslaught.

Voices also said as I began to flip through and read some manga that somehow you and people in your life can almost, control me to make me forget my daily routines and you bet on whether or not I will remember to do them.

How odd.