Never Give Up

Maybe I wrote it in an e-mail. That time I got drunk and slept on a bench and lost my phone, only to track it down the next day with my iPod touch.

That was my “never give up” story.

Voices in my head say you’re emulating me, and that you’ve learned, from all my madness, to “never give up” on someone.

So you’re out there making your playlist for the person you really want to be with, because somehow also, in my psychosis, you’ve done the work of staying away from Howard for a year to get your divorce.

I wish they would just leave me out of it.

I wish they would just talk amongst themselves and I can go off and do the things I want.

Date the women I want to date.

Workout without “stinging light.”

etc etc

Everyone is here

Since last night it’s sounded like everyone I know is in my head and can see and hear the things that I see…

You want me dead

Voices have been vocal these last two days, I’m sure you can tell, but one of the subplots now is that they claim you want me dead, or to be killed.

sometimes they say “that’s the opposite” but what is the opposite? To live a long fulfilling life?

It’s, again, distressing.

And to dig a bit deeper into that, maybe I’m being paranoid but I remember talking to you and you were big into getting revenge on xanga. Or maybe that was someone else using your account to message me.

When I was arrested I found out that your culture of revenge is a Viking belief/practice.

So where am I going with this?

I guess what I’m saying is I’m afraid you’ll try to get your revenge on me.

I don’t know what that looks like, but I do know that even with this increased amount of paranoia and anxiety I would still welcome you back into my life, even if somehow that means my life is forfeit.

Something in my just wants you that much.

I mean, it would be disingenuous for me to be doing all of this, writing all of this, feeling all of this, explaining all of this to go “nah, I’d drop you like a bad habit.”

Curiosity kills the cat and I’ve got a few lives left to lose I suppose.

You quit?

Voices in my head keep saying you’ve quit your job and are living out of a brothel with your dad, that or your dad regularly visits you.

Voices say it was my emails that spurred on you being “raped” at work, with them forcing and piling on new projects for you, and if it weren’t for my “harassment” campaign, perhaps that would have never happened.

Maybe it was revenge, because when I was emailing you from the Herb Chambers with my company email, I got fired for it. I don’t know if someone on your end made the call or if it was internal with Herb Chambers but I was let go. I was pissed, but it wasn’t a great job to begin with, and honestly I’m blessed to be doing the work I’m doing now. I had a fairly good outcome losing those two jobs I was working back when the voices dominated more of my mind and actions.

I can only hope you’ve had some good outcome from leaving your job or whatever it is you’re doing yourself. If you’re doing what you’ve always wanted to do, like the voices suggest, or you’ve found some other opportunity that completely erases your presence online, and doesn’t leave a small paper trail like the last place.

This could just all be bullshit from my hallucinations however, it looks as if your company website has gone the way of most Norwegian internet presence, and either hasn’t been updated or is dead in the water, for one reason or another.

Either way, I wish you the best.

And that honestly feels like all I can do now.

Except for this, of course.

Psychic Impersonator

Someone is impersonating you or claiming to be you or using your name to state atrocities that happened to them.

So far, or at least most recently that culprit has been ABWJr’s younger sister, “OW.” Or at least that’s what the voices say.

Something about that rap group “Three Six Mafia” too. I don’t know that they’ve made any significant contributions to music Ina long time now however.

Plea to the Voices

You have all this information.

Who she really wants.

Why we won’t work.

Who this is really for.

Why I should move on.

etcetera etcetera etcetera:

Why bring her up at all?

If we are so incompatible.

So, as YLVIS put it: “Intolerant”

Voices, I beg you-

I pray-

I beseech you!!!

Why mention her?

Why talk about her?

Why use her name as some kind of code?!

You have all this knowledge, hidden from my rational brain,

WHERE IS THE LOGIC IN THIS!?

If You’re trying to drive me crazy, CONGRATULATIONS, IT WORKED!

WHAT ELSE IS THERE!?

Murder 2: Electric Bugaloo

Voices keep telling me you and your family had planned on killing me, or forcing me to eat feces.

It’s, distressing.

I have to contest the good thoughts and feelings with the bad.

Then they say “it’s the opposite” but what truly, is, the opposite?

Now I have to be rational.

Would a family of 5 with a toddler and an eight year old really try to commit a murder?

It seems unlikely.

But I just don’t know anymore.

I guess that was the price I paid when I signed my mind away to insanity.

“Relationship Anarchy”

Maybe it’s a term you’ve heard of but the current voices in my head, it might be new to them.

Anyway I’ve read “The Ethical Slut” so I have some ideas around polyamory.

My thing is this current dialogue in my mind still rides on relationships and cheating on their partner.

Now I have no idea or any desire, presently, for us to get back together, really that’s a you thing, but for everyone else reading this or not, I think it’s time for you to ditch the “Nuclear Family” model and go get yourself a harem or some shit.

Ya’gotta do it different nowadays.

✌️

You're out of your goddamn mind

Alright, here’s something I’ve been sleeping on and not telling a soul but I guess I’ll tell you:

I think people my age that have already had a child have given up on their dreams and ambition.

Furthermore, some “feeling” / “voice” in my head was making me feel like if I had a daughter I’d name her after you.

In no way on America’s green goddamned soil would I ever give a half-black girl your name for any reason, whatsoever.

It’s bad enough black people get called out for names like “Sharqueesha” or “Jamalcolm” but to give my child your medieval-esque turn before the century as name would be a death sentence.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

✌️

ABWJr

Voices say you only want to be with him, if there was a song that matched your convictions, I’d imagine it was this one:

Handjob for Houdini

I have the picture still, of me wearing your travel pack in New York.

Voices say you gave a guy a handjob right behind me as I was looking at the squirrel. I remember turning to look at you, you took my picture, but that guy, did he spit on you?

And then he walked a bit forward and disappeared…

Earnest vs Honest

The voices play “everything I say is the opposite.”

Then they go, you wanted to be with ABWJr.

“That’s the opposite.” They say.

And then I hear something like “Dan Fairclough you’re the only one I want to be with!”

But if the first statement was “the opposite” how can I trust the next one? If I’m not the only one, I’m not stopping you from being with anyone else.

My love isn’t trying to possess or control you, disembodied voice.

Be free!

I know I can trust what these voices say, and I’ve heard so much, but I really want this to be over and for some reason I see no end in sight.

It sucks.

Laughing at me

Voices say you would laugh at me while and after talking with me online and then go and have sex with your cousin.

While that sounds like someone else the voices have been talking about, they’re attributing it to you.

Another voice goes “Dan doesn’t want to know anything” and while somehow they seem aware of that, they keep telling me things and I keep typing.

I’m not writing as a former begging to “get you back.”

If any of this shit is true you sound like one of the worst people that could ever exist in the history of humanity.

And while I’d like to hear it from the horses mouth I have no hope of that either.

This is so dumb and so unnecessary it feels like, to me at least, but maybe I’m the only one.

Leave and stay gone

Voices say if we were together at some point in the past you would’ve left me in the middle of the night.

Maybe it’s the opposite.

Maybe they’re talking about someone else,

But that’s what they just said.

They also said you’re having to explain your “study abroad” trip to Steinar, because he keeps up with what I write, and if that’s true that means he reads all of this.

Hello.

I apologize for being insane, if any of that is true.

MSF

He may never read this but Michael Suliman Fonseca is a voice in my head and I don’t know how to tell him.

Voices earlier in the day said you were emulating/pretending to be him, while also defecating on yourself during certain emotionally tense situations.

In my memory, I think at least, there was a day when we were teenagers and I was spending the night at his place when he walked into his closet, came out and said “do you get it?”

Apparently I didn’t understand, and when it was explained to me, I laughed my ass off.

He’s been holding that against me ever since, the voices say.

Recently, up to a few moments ago his voice said “Dan Fairclough was the only one I ever wanted.”

And earlier in the day they said “don’t ever be as connected as MSF.”

This whole thing about people and their desires/love for another person, his voice was speaking as if I don’t have any agency over my own body, my own feelings, who I like or don’t like. As if his desire and will are enough to make the world spin around.

Even though I’m crazy about you, I still know and always champion that your life is yours and mine is my own. Even when I practiced that magic spell to bring you back into my life, I let it be on your terms. I’m not one for this controlling and possessive kind of “love.”

So at the end of the day this is everything I’ve been suffering through today, July 4th, 2026.

I’m hoping the rest of my night is better.

THE INDIAN

Voices say you had sex with the Indian.

Voices didn’t say that, voices, one voice, was very clear just now and said “I had sex with the Indian.”

Can’t make heads or tails of that being your voice, or whomever you were with in New York at the time. I know you told me you were there with a friend. I know you told me you made the Indian wait in the lobby for 3 hours and he still had flowers for you, something like that.

I also know we broke up, and I also know that few hours later you were on a bus headed to Boston, and I met you for the second time, in person.

I’m like, shuffling through a lot of emotions right now and while I do get annoyed, I’m not really angry.

For some reason, the voices keep going back to these points in time, as if they’re supposed to hold weight or influence how I currently feel.

If it weren’t for my memory maybe I would hold it against you, but I’m confident in what I know/remember, and I’ll continue to say we were “young dumb and full of cum” you have to give your younger self some grace, especially since the brain reaches adult hood at like 26 or something crazy like that, maybe later I think a new study shows.

So I’m not mad.

But I also don’t want to think about this.

Hence the blog.

If this is true

It’s good that we’re not together.

You can go ride off into the sunset with whomever you truly love or your true partner in crime and leave me in the center of town.

If it’s all true good riddance, I don’t want to see you again.

If it’s all a delusion, just me hallucinating then say something, because omfg