I’m most likely not going to post this one on Twitter or Facebook, this is also, most likely the beginning of multiple blogs per month.
But man oh man, I’m…distressed?
I was having a conversation today with some friends and I asked them to explain something and it eventually just devolved into jokes. This wouldn’t be a problem but I think I was just being perceived, automatically as combative, which I don’t like. It was a simple question that only required a simple answer, not the run around.
On top of that, I’ve grown more and more disillusioned with them. And yeah, sure, we’re friends but I guess I thought of them, highly, and the longer our friendship has gone on, the more we’ve revealed about ourselves to each other, the more I’m like “wait…what!?”
I assume it’s because I’m older, I’ve been where they are now and I’ve moved beyond it, it’s kind of like a a time machine, or a living time capsule and I’m just watching it, observing from the outside as they deal with certain aspect, really, their opinions on life. And this isn’t all of them, it’s really one guy and if he didn’t post to the chat I don’t think there would be a chat to begin with, and I thought about that, and I think I’m ok with that as well.
It pains me, burns me up about the many friends and lovers I’ve lost in my 33 going on to 34 years of life. I reflect on my moms words, “some people are in your life for reasons and some people are in your life for seasons” and some of the people that I thought were in my life for reasons were actually just here for seasons, albeit, very, very, very, very, VERY long seasons. That’s what hurts the most.
You know, I think we all grew up the the adages of “forgive and forget,” “keep your friends close and your enemies closer,” etc etc. What I wonder is why am I the one left keeping those things, these feelings close to my chest? Did no one else feel the same? Should I have spoken up? Would that cause an even greater rift? Would they even respond? Am I just too soft? I don’t know the answer to these questions, but I can infer for some of them.
At the end of the day, I’m prepared to be alone, prepared to have “no friends” for a while, or at least no one to regularly hang out and meet up with every once in a while, that’s fine, that’s nothing to worry about, but I don’t think I want to do it again if I don’t have to. I wouldn’t try to prevent it from happening, but I wouldn’t resist.
This must be life I suppose. This is that bittersweet taste of knowing, the reason they claim ignorance is bliss.
This shit sucks, not gonna lie.