HNG!!! I’ve been working since last week Saturday. I think if I work one more day (Friday) I’ll actually be over the maximum amount of hours we’re allowed to work, so I have the day off.
I wasn’t expecting that snow storm. Should I have been? I think we had a 60 degree day in December! The weather makes no sense, and yes, it’s New England, but its still unusual, or at least it’s not what it was like when I was growing up. I’m accustomed to that, I’m expecting that. I’ve had THAT for at least 20 years, and this Global Warming shit, although it was happening gradually over time, started to get really out of hand in the last 10, and WAY MORE NOTICEABLE in the last 5. It’s driving me insane. And of course, I want to do something about it.
I suppose I’ve been rekindling a fire in myself to become or act as an activist. To be more politically engaged, a desire to run for office, etcetera. Of course, this desire comes from discourse with people, talking about injustice, meaningful change, yada yada. And at the same time, I have a great desire to run away from it all. I could, as I preach, “be the change I want to see” but that’s hard, that takes money, commitment, perseverance, and determination. On the other hand, I could pack my bags and move to one of those Nordic Countries everyone speaks so highly of. I’m thinking Denmark.
Currently, if I’m being honest, both options are a reality, but I think as I’m typing this, even if I go and move to the other side of the planet, will I still be consuming American media and news? Will I become politically active or involved in another country, if there’s a need or good reason? If I cant escape my desire to want to make things right or be better, then running away is really only prolonging the inevitable process of political action. And, you know, when it’s all said and done, and I’ve done everything I’ve set out to do, or can’t think or anything else to do, and I STILL am dissatisfied with American Life, I can still move away. Might be more meaningful that way. It’s just, if I think of something I can do, and I’m not too decrepit to accomplish it, I’ll probably set out and try to do it. I’m reflecting on this video about a guy, a grandfather, that decided at age like, 97 or some shit, that he wanted to learn how to bake and make baking a hobby. It makes me think it’s never really too late. I mean, 97 years old? He’s practically on deaths door and he STILL wants to learn/try something new. If you ask me that’s pretty fucking incredible, not gonna lie.
Been thinking about relationships and women a lot recently. Kind of realized that, if it’s the right person, I could start up an internet based long distance relationship if I wanted to, but being in my 30’s and already having done that, it feels kind of silly. Or at least, without offering or having a place for the love interest to move to/live with them, to make the relationship go from long distance to local, it seems pointless to even try. I don’t have a work from home job so they’d most likely have to come to me. This could, possibly change, but I don’t plan on quitting my job anytime soon, even if I get stuck with the overnight shift 7 days in a row even though the shift I signed up for was the afternoon shift. Somebody’s got to do it I know but I wish that somebody wasn’t me. And don’t get me wrong, every once in a while sure, I’ll cover, but a mother fucking week? You gotta be kidding me! COVID has left a short staffed company even shorter staffed so, you bite the bullet. Moving on, but back to women-
Yeah I don’t want a relationship either, or it’s not something that I NEED to feel accomplished. A relationship, love and marriage and kids, those ideals are no longer a goal/benchmark for my life. If they happen, incredible, but I’m not seeking it out. And, yeah, like any hot blooded young heterosexual male I want to have sex with as money women as possible, don’t get me wrong, I’m still a slave to my biology, however, even that has kind of taken a back seat. When I say that I mean I’m okay with not having sex, more times than I’m not okay with not having sex. And yeah I’ll pay for onlyfans every now and then or watch porn or something but use dating apps? Regularly go to the club or speed dating events or meetups? Forget about it. And I don’t think those things really took anything away from my life, but STRESSING and WORRYING about those things and the things that revolve around them, that shit will give you fucking cancer, or at least an ulcer, minimum. Maybe an aneurism, I don’t know, but it’s not for me.
Back in school, studying history and my teacher is a black guy. I was shocked at first but then I thought about it, with the current state of the world, it makes sense that my teacher would be a black guy. And I’ve had black history teachers in the past thinking about it now as I write this, but also, literally only 1. Legit. But I got an A last semester and I think I’m going to keep that trend this semester as well.
I have also been spending far far far far FAR too much money on mobile games. Specifically Dragalia Lost and Marvel Strike Force. Like, between the two of them maybe $4000 total. Which is really insane.
It hasn’t hurt me in anyway, I still pay the bills on time, my phone is still connected (I mean literally IT HAS TO BE in order for me to play as often as I do) but I’m just, noticing this trend. I don’t think I’m scared, but maybe I’m worried this will turn into something deeper, something like out of control spending that I’ll need to dial back in the future. Maybe. I’m not sure. Because at least as far as Dragalia goes, I’ve been playing this game for the last 3 years and this is the first time something like this has started to happen. So I’m not really, or at least I’m not ALWAYS as “irresponsible” as I have been, recently. I am enjoying myself, but I do wish I was getting more bang for my buck, ESPECIALLY in Marvel Strike Force. Fuck that game.
Anyway, Happy Lunar/Chinese New Year! It’s the Year of the Tiger, probably one of the coolest animals to ever exist. And if you can’t appreciate that you’re probably racist.
See’ya!