“Kill Herself”

July 29, 2024

Voices say if you came to Boston you would “kill yourself.”

But it just dawned on me that there may be people here, pretending to be you, and by kill yourself you mean kill them. Murder.

And the other person won’t go back home to Norway because she’s “scared of who she is” which means she’s scared of you…

Edit: So I’ll be waiting for a mighty long time I guess is the case. I’m fine with that. Gives me time to sculpt my body into the shape I want, the shape I think is worthy for a lover.

I suppose now the voices are here because they think I’m party to the plot.

You could not be more incorrect.

But it’s her life.

She can live it.

✌️

So close…

July 29, 2024

"Can you just not update it?"

July 29, 2024

Can you get out of my head?

Voices say I destroyed your relationship.

They also say thats what you wanted.

All of this was preventable.

I feel like I’m not even in control of anything, although that’s changed a bit as well.

We all gotta eat, at the end of the day.

Today has been a day of minimal voices.

Yeah, I can get by not thinking about you, or not wanting or needing to update as long as I am existing “outside” of the “madness.”

Sure.

But they say because I’m not thinking about it, that gives you the opportunity to cheat on me, if we were in a relationship.

And we aren’t, you can do what you want, I feel how I feel about relationships right now, bygones go by.

Still, certainly I would update less frequently if more days were like this.

But once in a while I’d think about you.

You birthday is coming up.

I know I’d write something around then.

Also, voices say you changed your birthday.

Idk if thats true, but still.

Peacock Feather

July 29, 2024

Voices are telling me you would’ve gave one of those random guys at the top of the commons a blow job, I was there, I didn’t pick up on that.

They’re saying you blew on that feather before he gave it to you. I don’t remember that, but that act was the “blowjob.”

Ya’know…

This is tough.

I’d like it to just be me and the good memories I have of us, and that’s all, but the voices have a hold on me, some days stronger than others.

I know, I can become, apathetic, callous, jaded, indifferent and say “I can’t change the past”

“Her body her choice”

Etc etc

But it doesn’t make it hurt less.

And, when I say that, it doesn’t hurt as much as it did when this first started.

I’m not as confused,

I can take refuge in the girl I knew, the girl/woman I think you are,

But I also don’t want to live in the past.

I can’t compare some new, 30-something year old woman, you or another, to who we were at the springtime of our youth.

I’ve said in the past that I should just expect to be cheated on in my next relationship.

My therapist said I should be more hopeful, because I deserve to be respected, and loved the way I think love should work.

But honestly this whole shit has goddamn tanked my self esteem.

Maybe not tanked but I’ve been taken down a few pegs.

I’m strong sure but I want to be in shape.

I want to make more money.

Not necessarily have a car but maybe my own place. Living with my brother isn’t bad at all, I love it, rent is alright, and I know a new place would easily be double what I have to pay, even triple if we can get this whole thing figured out, but he’s said in the past that it’d be crapped living with a 3rd person, and he doesn’t live here with his girlfriend that he has now, albeit it’s still early in the relationship, but he could if he wanted to.

I don’t know, I’m just, doing a lot of soul searching again.

Internalizing everything.

Wondering if I’m in the right path.

I’m not “harassing” you anymore but I still want to talk.

I want to see you.

I want to kiss.

More than anything sometimes I just want you in my arms. Thinking about it brings me a comforting feeling, feelings that I have to shed because my reality isn’t in my head.

It’s my job.

It’s school work.

It’s the bills.

I know I’ve climbed the mountain of suicidal ideation and made it out remotely unscathed but it rears its ugly head from time to time but I’m reminded that I have family, and extended family that love me more than I’m currently loving myself right now, and not saying I’m living for them but I dont want to make their lives any worse with my death.

I’ve settled on living for a long, not a good time.

Voices are saying this blog is too long for you to read now.

That’s fine.

I don’t believe when they say you’ve read everything else.

Time will tell.

I’ll keep putting one foot in front of the other until I can’t.

Forward is the only way to go.

Take care.

Be well.

❤️

Drum Set

July 28, 2024

If Howard is still banging on that drum set, after all these years, and Norwegians kind of “pride themselves” on basically being able to move on to different hobbies, does that mean he’s in love with you?

He’s still “banging his sister..?”

I got the idea that Norwegians move on from hobby/interest to interest via a commercial that was playing a lot when I was in prison, and the voices now say your “brother” has autism.

So he’s autistic and incestuous? Autistic in the idea that “Black Metal” is his hyper-fixation, common with autistic people in their interests…

Anyway…

Meik Wyking is Wrong

July 28, 2024

Take it

July 28, 2024

Moving On

July 27, 2024

DUMP

July 27, 2024

More Later, Maybe

I wouldn't know

July 27, 2024

I wouldn’t know what to do with you if I had you.

And what I mean by that, is that I don’t know what you like.

I’m not familiar with your culture beyond what I already know.

I don’t know your hobbies.

I don’t know your values.

I don’t know what makes you happy.

I don’t know what you avoid (other than me.)

At most, at best, is we could watch all of the American and Japanese TV shows I’ve collected recently that I used to watch growing up.

Still, it may indoctrinate you and make you “more American” than anything else, but at least it’s something.

That’s all I got.

And I mean yeah, museums, aquarium, blah blah blah all that shit.

Tourist stuff, sure, but as far as being alone in a room together?

And NOT having sex?

This is it.

I mean I could guess.

Books.

Puzzles.

But who doesn’t do that?

Isn’t that basic?

What makes you tick???

You’re a mystery.

Whoever you are.

Shitpost

July 27, 2024

So what?

July 27, 2024

Voices keep saying you’re in Boston.

I’m too intimidating to be approached.

I’m a “jerk” (reference to me jerking off and my personality)

And because I’m a jerk, that’s why I’m single.

I’m not “playful”

They say you experimented with Anal sex with the Australian boy, who was Asian, because you assumed his penis was small.

You still didn’t like it.

And that you will remain “slow” (stupid)

I don’t know what to say or do…

Well I suppose I know what to say.

I’d seek you out if I knew where you were, but if you’re terrified of me, then there’s no point.

Why would you be here then, if that’s the case?

“Sisu” the voices say now, that Finnish word for “courage” or “grit” as understood in that book “the Scandinavia way of love” or whatever. “The Nordic Approach to Life” ?

I can’t remember the title…

I’m going back to jerking off…

Freia

July 26, 2024

A few hours ago voices told me what the “shit” was.

Hi-larious.

If it were in my budget, I’d make up for it with the good stuff, I swear.

But now that I think about it, why do people from your part of the world rave so much about their confections?

Except for Denmark.

They’re proud about their butter.

🤔

Kismet

July 26, 2024

If you’re a neo-Nazi with someone else fine.

If you want to commit suicide, fine.

If you’re destined to be with someone else, fine.

What does this have to do with me?

Why can’t I get you out of my head?

Where the fuck is this coming from?

I’m taking my meds.

I’m getting sleep.

Why?

And to top it all off, even if I confront you, the voices just say you’re a “stupid piece of shit”

So now what?

Please just go away.

Poetry in Motion

July 26, 2024

Voices in my head keep talking about how you bet on my suicide.

Among other things (girl on the train)

Voices keep talking about the blogs where I said “I want to die” but kind of gloss over the fact that I say right after “and come back to life like a Phoenix.”

Maybe this is where the “burning my house down” idea came from as well.

I don’t recall any blog I wrote on either of my xanga where I wanted a permanent death.

Maybe I did, but it was all hyperbole.

I’m just tired in those moments.

Exhausted.

Burnt out.

Spent.

Voices (and the people in my waking life) recognize that it’s a lot of work to do what I’m doing.

Few, (albeit I don’t know how many) actually get the gusto to even try.

We persevere here on this side of the planet.

I’ve been saying this a lot recently,

“I try.”

There when I need it

July 26, 2024

Japanese Jazz

July 26, 2024

Tweets

July 25, 2024

Probably one of the hardest things to hear in my head when no one is around is how much my ex hates me, unprompted. That she wants me to be shot, wants to smack me, wants me dead, blah blah blah. I’m not perfect by any means, but I don’t think I deserve violence either.

The worst part about this is hearing it, and knowing I’m still in a minor aspect, loving her, while also trying to honor whomever else wants to enter my life with love as well. Like I don’t want jump into a relationship when my ever other thought is about my ex, but also-

I have to try to find some constructive way to move on… I’ve pretty much sworn off marriage and kids, and explored ideas about polyamory, or other non-monogamous consensual roles in relationships, none of it really feels right, and I mostly just want to be alone.

She Doesn't Love Me, Leave Me Alone

July 25, 2024

She Doesn't Love Me, Leave Me Alone.

Voices

July 25, 2024

Voices keep saying you want me to die.

I know it’s been over for a while now.

I’m not “harassing” you anymore,

or I’m trying REALLY REALLY HARD not to.

I don’t know what you want from me.

I just want to talk to you.

Edit: Voices say Howard is trans. Post-opt, I assume, because they also say you “only make out” with him.