Believe it or not

Voices keep trying to get me to believe there’s a “version of you” in Boston that “does anything you want” but really spends most of her time fulfilling exhibitionist sexual fantasies with all the people I’m friends with on Facebook…

Pegging

Voices in my head say you fucked someone up the butt, you pegged them, and you felt fake after words.

Now I know I blogged about that but I honestly don’t even like the feeling of a tongue grazing my arsehole let alone an object entering it.

If you tried it, I’d straight up kick you in the fucking face.

I’m only bringing this up because every time I bounce or rock my hips in bed, the voices keep saying I’m being fucked in the ass.

This is something they’re “trying to show me” and I just wish it would stop.

I don’t need to be shown anything.

Closed Up/Wet

Voices keep saying you’re “closed up” and that I “wouldn’t want it.”

That you’d rather stay where you are than be with me, because I’d expect to have sex.

That you wouldn’t want to be with someone faithful, they’d need to be unfaithful, I.e. willing to have sex with someone else.

I can do all these things and more, but you aren’t here, you aren’t with me, this is just me, reciting and reflecting on what the voices tell me, and you, not saying a word about it.

We should be able to talk about this.

Spoiled Smodbrod

Voices say if I was spoiled everyone would want to know “what’s so good about Me” and while I’m being sexually assaulted because there’s no other way to describe me being raped by your mother (I lied) they’d go through my belongings and steal my stuff.

you don’t want to eat my open faced sandwich now, you’d get sepsis and die

You’d rather be with Aaron Wall, he was immediately “cooked” and eaten.

Not my words! Voices!!!

Oh and that you live under a rock.

Literally you’re between a rock and a hard place I imagine and you have no social media and upon looking at your Facebook wall before you blocked me or deleted it I know Odin tried to share aftenposten with you so if you don’t even know what’s going on in your local paper (if that periodical is considered “local” ) then yes absolutely, you live under one of the biggest rocks in the world

r/ShowerThoughts

I said it in the shower a few hours ago:

You’re the only defect in my life right now.

I was just awarded a grant that pays for my fall semester tuition, as long as I keep getting grades like that I can practically earn my bachelors degree for free.

My mom is proud of me.

My brother likes to see my progress.

My dad thinks I have a good job and should keep it.

I’m losing weight.

Everyone at my job loves.

It’s just these nagging fucking voices and the thought of you destroying any relationship I try to build moving forward that derails me from time to time.

But now, now it’s not the worst it’s ever been.

There are only so many layers to peel back before you get to the core.

I don’t know why I’m getting this information.

I don’t consider these hallucinations “true stories” because of my anecdotal experiences with them, but I also can’t allow myself to fondly consider the past and live in those moments, not only because the battle with this psychosis would be worse, but that’s an equally unhealthy obsession.

It’d be wonderful to talk to you.

If you loved me like I love(d) you that’d be better than this cathartic blog space.

But I have to play the cards that life/God/The Universe has dealt to me.

I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I have to lie to new women in my life, tell them I’ve never been in love before.

I have to push the envelope.

Force the issue, if I really want to see myself with someone else.

And I don’t know if I want to do that either.

There’s a creeping pain, worse than my headaches, worse than the feeling of my bladder opening that I see, with gleaming eyes, foreshadowed for like, my wedding day or something.

It opens its gaping maw and I’m too honorable to lie anymore, and that’s when it sinks its teeth in.

sigh

I know that was really dramatic…

But still.

One two

Voices say you want to knock me out.

You make 50k a year, buy a ticket and try it bitch

I swear to god

Secret-

Apparently, Aaron Wall was supposed to keep this a secret.

Also, he’s “your favorite” because ??? He “gives a fuck” which is why he does not listen to you?

I don’t get it.

But that “your favorite” line is what fucking pissed me off when I watched “Get Out”

https://youtu.be/OT61p6s77_U?si=7ZdXoRSOxhPTo7FF

New Information

“She does not want to be with a @yahomied that would just be Aaron Wall reading his twitter account.”

Ok, this is getting really, REALLY annoying now.

Does this mf not have a personality of his own?

It’s one thing to just be randomly violent, and another to respond with violence to the voices in my head…

Your Uncle

He’s “the opposite” of your father.

He’s the one in place of Steinar, and the night I wrote that first e-mail, the one with “why am I so angry” apparently having sex with him, the voices say, and he’s you child’s real father.

Bombshell.

They also say because you can “perform intercourse” not necessarily “have sex” that’s how you know you’re “not related”

and also, you made him eat feces.

Edit:

Voices say you’re over there somewhere going “How would you know!? You must be in on it”

and I swear to god I’ve never wanted to punch someone in the face more than I want to right now because if I’M “IN ON IT” and I’m taking this stupid fucking medication for nothing someone is going to get choked to death. I promise you.

Edit: doesn’t matter that I can “Talk about it” I can just decide to do it anyway. Please, try me.

Are you kidding me?

I’m a Vanir and you’re an Aesir? What the fuck…

Edit: I’m watching this video for class “N!ai: The Story of a !Kung Woman” and the narrator, Nai’s voice just reminds me of you.

Not how she wounds but what she’s saying.

“I did not want to be with this person.”

“I had sex with the men I chose.”

“I’m married to a mad man.”

All these things and more just bounce off of my skull and reflect how I’ve been operating on this blog.

A Bet

A bet on my life

a bet on marriage

T got complete facial reconstruction to look more like you, that she was the “Australian” girl I saw on the train

she went “all around the world” to find love

other things and more the voices tell me that means “all bets are off”

To put it simply...

I just know what I’ve said and what I’ve done.

I know how I feel, and how I’ve felt.

I can fondly remember the past, while remaining present, and try to build a solid foundation for my future.

I’m not asking for anything more than to talk to you.

That’s all I want to do, at this point.

Anything that comes after that is what you control.

Alien Photo

Something about someone having a photo of you as an alien, I think I remember this picture? But they’re saying it’s representative of you never wanting to become a citizen anywhere else in the world, that you’d always keep your alien status.

I also vaguely remember a picture of you at a concert, with a friend, and another picture of you at a club in Italy? You were covering your face in that club photo.

I don’t know why these images are floating through my mind, just that they are. I don’t even know if they’re my memories or just something I’m also hallucinating, but it feels real enough, all the same…

Edit: Voices are saying at that dinner with my aunt and family you would’ve had sex with me in the bathroom… do Norwegians just have no decency or is it just you? I don’t need the ire of my entire family, or to get kicked out of any establishment. I mean I’ve done some “wild/crazy” sex after you of course (and maybe you’re the reason why) but still.

My mom always used to say “there’s a time and place for everything” and that absolutely was not the time, or the place.

Sex/Rape

Turned up blah blah

They keep saying you “cheated” had “sex”

The opposite

Make it stop please.

It’s not even about having broken heart anymore, it’s just fucking annoying.

I can’t go back in time and save you from all of this.

I hate this shit so much.

Please just end this, or me...

“That’s why no one wants to be a Daniel Fairclough, (insert your name here) only wants to be with Aaron Wall because he will always be playful.”

Please stop fucking telling me these things.

Please.

Voices say you’d rather be “apeshit” than the alternative, which I suppose means being in Boston?

Okay…

Now they’re saying YOU became “The Devil” and sexually assaulted someone.

Okay.

Edit: Voices are saying learning this information about you should make me want to kill myself… why? I didn’t molest anyone. I’m not practicing incest with my family members. Why the fuck would this make me want to kill myself?

If it is true, maybe I’d learn my lesson and avoid you sure, but I think I’m too “head over heels” to do that as well.

Oh well.