Like this title suggests, today is my birthday. I’m 32 years old today, my how time flies.
I chose to come to work today what with COVID-19 and all there isn’t exactly much to do if you’re obeying CDC guidelines about the virus.
It’s a calm birthday, not one with friends and copious alcohol, but a birthday about peace and reflection, at least that’s how I see it.
A while back this girl I knew called me “slow,” and yesterday it was really hitting me. I figured since I’m not at pace to have already graduated college it must be true, regardless of anything else I’ve done that disproves that simple statement. I was really beating myself up about it but the feeling has passed for now. But while I’m here talking about it I mean, what I’ve chosen isn’t my initial dream, but my “dream” doesn’t pay the bills. I could start all over again in a course that would be far easier for me to complete but what’s the point when I’m twisted and warped my “dream” to get to where I am today so that I can stand proudly at the foundation of my success.
I’ve seen and learned a lot in 32 years. Currently I’m at work, listening to “Black Privilege” by Charlamange the God on my ways to and from my desk, during my commute. I didn’t listen to the audio book today because I was still digesting the lessons of yesterday. It seems like everyone worth their salt has gone through some incredible struggle to get to where they are today. Everyone’s gone through the highs and the lows and right now my lows are low, but not as low as they could be. If anything, this is my ascent from rock bottom, given my history.
But it still sucks to feel, ya’know?
I’m not giving up, I can’t give up, not now anyway, maybe not ever. As opportunity sneaks past me I keep my nose to the grindstone honing my crafts minimally, yet diligently.
I learned recently that I can’t really get back to my “peak” as an artist because back then I was in a bad situation. I had no job, no money, and all I had was my art. Now I have a full time job, all the distractions that money can buy, and a career I’m chasing to help elevate my financial situation. The time isn’t there now but I feel like it’ll come around. I discovered this book about a woman that went back to art school in here 60’s and I’m like “yeah, seems legit.”
I was going to write about people out growing one another but I don’t have much to say.
In short, I feel as if I never grew up.
I hold fast to my “Dreams” and “goals” as if my life depended on them, the identity to who I am, and yet I watch around me as more and more of my friends have kids and not even the chance to “text back” from a message that came seemingly from nowhere. And I get it, I’m not exactly needy, but I think am I the only one that remembers the good times? I don’t live in the past but it sure would be nice to have friends in the present. And I do have friends just not a few that I grew up with, and noticing all of this well, it hurts.
I’ll survive but I’ll complain about it all I want too.
Anyway, here’s to being 32! Here’s to another year of hard lessons and good times! Here’s to being true to yourself and knowing your worth and following your dreams!