Failure

SIGH… What is up party people in the place to be? I’m pretty sure I’m failing my class.

This has happened before and usually I just reapply to the class until I pass it but this time around the money to pay for the class is coming out of my own pocket and MAN OH MAN, is college expensive.

I’ve found some routes I might take that makes paying for school a bit easier, not so sure when I’m going to jump into gear and take the plunge but this is my life right now. And I want to talk about this current failure.

AHEM: Yeah so what the fuck. I studied all summer, picked the teacher who’s class I had passed before only to come to the conclusion that I’m not doing or understanding the work the way I should be! I’m mad and sad at the same time, PEAK frustration. I had all the intention to do well and I wound up at the bottom of a well.

WELL FUCK THIS AND THAT. There are some alternative things I could try that cost much less money but I don’t know if I want to venture out into that area just yet. I’m dragging my feet and I know it, but I can’t explain why either. I was a good student until high school, I got kept back twice and while I heard someone in my adolescence claim that would be enough for them to kill themselves, I still graduated. My school career peaked in elementary school, I feel and I’ve gravitated towards the arts for as long as I can remember but I also feel I’m not pursuing an art degree because I would probably wind up with the same job I currently have, not that that’s a bad thing but I feel like if I have a degree I want to use my degree, right?

So I can go about collecting certifications and circumvent higher education (and college debt) but I guess I’m scared I’ll fail at that too. THERE’S REALLY ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT but I don’t want to dump money into these programs only to wind up as broke as I would be had I just paid to repeat classes.

END RANT.

Other than that it’s the freaking holidays, I ordered a present from overseas for my brother in October and it still hasn’t shown up yet, I have no idea what to get my mom, or her husband, I still think I should buy my grandmother a present and I have credit card debt I want to pay off by the end of the year but it’s looking mighty unlikely. Unlikely, but not Impossible, which is key to note. Mostly because I bit the bullet and signed up for another class but if I fail in the Spring Semester I might finally SERIOUSLY reconsider college, only because again, this is my money and I don’t want to fuck around and waste it. I have the drive maybe just not the discipline? Maybe.

Anyway Happy Holidays to you and yours and we’ll see you next year! 2021 BABY! WHOO!!!

Today is my Birthday

Like this title suggests, today is my birthday. I’m 32 years old today, my how time flies.

I chose to come to work today what with COVID-19 and all there isn’t exactly much to do if you’re obeying CDC guidelines about the virus.

It’s a calm birthday, not one with friends and copious alcohol, but a birthday about peace and reflection, at least that’s how I see it.

A while back this girl I knew called me “slow,” and yesterday it was really hitting me. I figured since I’m not at pace to have already graduated college it must be true, regardless of anything else I’ve done that disproves that simple statement. I was really beating myself up about it but the feeling has passed for now. But while I’m here talking about it I mean, what I’ve chosen isn’t my initial dream, but my “dream” doesn’t pay the bills. I could start all over again in a course that would be far easier for me to complete but what’s the point when I’m twisted and warped my “dream” to get to where I am today so that I can stand proudly at the foundation of my success.

I’ve seen and learned a lot in 32 years. Currently I’m at work, listening to “Black Privilege” by Charlamange the God on my ways to and from my desk, during my commute. I didn’t listen to the audio book today because I was still digesting the lessons of yesterday. It seems like everyone worth their salt has gone through some incredible struggle to get to where they are today. Everyone’s gone through the highs and the lows and right now my lows are low, but not as low as they could be. If anything, this is my ascent from rock bottom, given my history.

But it still sucks to feel, ya’know?

I’m not giving up, I can’t give up, not now anyway, maybe not ever. As opportunity sneaks past me I keep my nose to the grindstone honing my crafts minimally, yet diligently.

I learned recently that I can’t really get back to my “peak” as an artist because back then I was in a bad situation. I had no job, no money, and all I had was my art. Now I have a full time job, all the distractions that money can buy, and a career I’m chasing to help elevate my financial situation. The time isn’t there now but I feel like it’ll come around. I discovered this book about a woman that went back to art school in here 60’s and I’m like “yeah, seems legit.”

I was going to write about people out growing one another but I don’t have much to say.

In short, I feel as if I never grew up.

I hold fast to my “Dreams” and “goals” as if my life depended on them, the identity to who I am, and yet I watch around me as more and more of my friends have kids and not even the chance to “text back” from a message that came seemingly from nowhere. And I get it, I’m not exactly needy, but I think am I the only one that remembers the good times? I don’t live in the past but it sure would be nice to have friends in the present. And I do have friends just not a few that I grew up with, and noticing all of this well, it hurts.

I’ll survive but I’ll complain about it all I want too.

Anyway, here’s to being 32! Here’s to another year of hard lessons and good times! Here’s to being true to yourself and knowing your worth and following your dreams!