I’m okay with you moving on

What I wish is that I didn’t have to hear about it, or see New York Times videoed about Albatrosses (wild birds) that find new mates and have babies even though they apparently mate for life and ultimately I’m reminded of you.

What the fuck.

Passing thoughts

Been thinking about you a lot again. Not really psychosis, a little bit of that, but mostly just passing thoughts. Thinking I miss you, thinking I want you to see me, I want you looking at me, eyes on me.

I don’t know why.

And there’s nothing I can do.

I still have dreams as well.

About two days ago I had this, “vision” of you, on a bed, with a short haircut, brining a black girl gleefully into your arms as you sat on a bed.

I imagined that you were in a lesbian relationship in this vision, but I didn’t see more than 3 seconds. It was there and gone.

I still haven’t tried very hard to get into a relationship. Marriage isn’t on the table for me at this stage in my life, but I do want to be more social. So that’s my New Year’s resolution: get out more.

You don’t need to know that.

You probably don’t want to know that either.

Ah well, this is all I’ve got of you now.

And it’s not you, it’s my thoughts of you, me thinking of you, so really, all I’ve got of you is myself, I’ve only got me…

But isn’t that like saying you’re a part of me? That you were/are so important to me that there’s a bit of you still floating around, consuming me, in your absence?

Sad that it seems only I thought what we had was special.

Time to shut up.

A while back...

I shared this streamer and his Norwegian gf.

They broke up like, two weeks after I shared that video, and now he’s like, dating all these streamer girls, inviting them to his house in Texas and stuff and really just kind of making a fool of himself online.

I’m glad when I was sucking and fucking after we broke up that I didn’t make it damn near public knowledge.

Shit, even that xanga is deleted. Everyone I’ve ever created, really.

Dream Dream Dream

I keep having dreams about you.

This last dream, the one I just woke up from I was talking to a girl that looked nothing like you, but was pretending to be you. She was apparently, someone that shared one of your blogs I guess, and she called herself “The Mantis.”

I had thought it was you with surgery or something but no, someone else entirely, and I’m glad I woke up because with a name like “Mantis” I guess that implied she would kill me, but I don’t recall ever seeing or hearing about anyone with a moniker like that while/when we shared words.

Here are some images:

It was a thought or a dream

I think it was a thought but it could’ve been a dream, regardless, you appeared in my mind and I kept thinking “how was she so astute on guessing where my political alignment would fall later in life?”

for a long time I didn’t care, but I wonder now if in your country you’re made to care because the unions do so much for the people. We don’t get that kind of education here, not until college, but I’m sure you have a teachers union that’s superior to ours in some way, you see the need for human rights in regards to yourself as a people, a way for society to function and continue.

hard to do in America, what with all the diversity, but not impossible. In my recent readings I did learn there was a “Populist” movement for a time that was dissolved by identity politics from outside groups. I’m paraphrasing but still.

I’d like to talk to you, but the yearning isn’t there.

there’s “nebulous love” certainly but right now I suppose I’m saying it’s better that we’re apart, or maybe that I have this clarity.

I don’t know what I’m saying actually, but I hope you’re alright.

War and George Carlin

Are you seeing this right now? You’ve already disavowed being an American, but my mind keeps racing back to the day when you asked me on MSN messenger if Israel was a city or a state.

I wonder what you’d think of my Instagram stories, my support for Palestine. You said you wouldn’t want to be with anyone that sounded like George Carlin, and I wonder, how did you read me so well? Not that I sounded like him in my 20’s, but now, on my way out of my 30’s and with a bit more perspective, I could maybe pull off an act or two. Maybe.

I didn’t come to this blog to wax poetic however, I just wanted to dump some images that remind me of you, us, or myself thinking of you, and leave.

Edit: https://www.instagram.com/reel/DApP7xqM4UV/?igsh=aGp0dm16OGs2dzVz

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DArLrryyX6i/?igsh=MXVoeW1jaXRuNTVzOA==