Poetry from Class

“Nothing in progression can rest on its original plan. We may as

well think of rocking a grown man in the cradle of an infant.”

All But Blind

All but blind

In his chambered hole

Gropes for worms

The four-clawed Mole.

All but blind

In the evening sky

The hooded Bat

Twirls softly by.

All but blind

In the burning day

The Barn-Owl blunders

On her way.

And blind as are

These three to me,

So, blind to Some-One

I must be. [1901]

WALTER DE LA MARE (1873-1956)

Breakup

That streamer and his Norwegian gf broke up.

I’m stunned, but not surprised, mostly because he’s rich, far richer than I am, but you Norwegian women, if you’re anything, you’re a decisive bunch.

As I was watching his video about the breakup, I recalled that astrological report I sent to you on xanga, and since I did it at the “zero hour” not knowing your date of birth, I recall it saying something like “you’d change your culture.”

At first I thought this would benefit me.

I thought it meant that you and women your age would opt to stay with foreign men, instead of, what you told me, cheat on their husbands on holiday.

No.

Now it seems as if you’d find those men you’d normally find on holiday, have a relationship with them, and then breakup and start life as a Norwegian woman, as a woman that “loves her country.”

Perhaps that was the cultural shift, for the Norwegian patriarchy to reclaim or win back their women.

No race/culture desires to go extinct, I suppose.

Interesting.

Additional thoughts at 4:04AM:

And what’s the end game in all this? If I continue believing it’s some “conspiracy” and for these women to return to their darker skinned lovers, later in life, after child rearing or when relationships have gone sour, is that a “fuck you” to us? To the culture of the past?

I know I know, “it’ll never happen” for you and I, sure, let’s go with that, but this guy, the streamer, he was with her for nearly 15 years.

Yes, “nothing lasts forever” but still, that’s a significant amount of time if you ask me. And I’m sure they’ve had all the talks about children and marriage but is this it? Was this really some grand plan? Or just another convenient string of coincidence.

I don’t believe it was some grander plan but if I did I ponder the end result of it.

A Quote

“To Generalize is to be an Idiot. To Particularize is the Alone Distinction of Merit.” - William Blake

"We think in generalities, but we live in detail ” - Alfred North Whitehead

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C_t4gK2sjPA/?igsh=MWRqbXo3MWdpYzE=

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C_n5EKMviwv/?igsh=ODljMjhjMm9nMDh3

Hmm

https://x.com/rainmaker1973/status/1832754508231016757?s=46

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C_q2MBoR7-S/?igsh=dTVxY2I3a2U5cGtq

It only took 15 years…

https://x.com/yahomied/status/1830558951194124560?s=46

Am I just talking out of my ass if I say Martin Luther King Jr. isn’t important to you? I wish that was a conversation we could have, and yet as I type, I feel like we’ve danced on the surface of his sacrifice, at least once. Oh well. Things that may never be, am I right?

Dreaming in Midday

Of you, of course.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C-J3N4bgLm_/?igsh=MWw2MGtlMGg4ajluZg==

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C_W0i2UMeoO/?igsh=cDdpc3czYjVjcXd6

Laptop takes Priority

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C9p0XGhM-uT/?igsh=YmZkeDVub2FqMmxh

At least I’m not calling myself a shaman, or psychic

https://x.com/somakazima/status/1829520385433305500?s=46

Fantasy

Back to that story about you buying a house in Boston and me living with you, I would think about buying you flowers every day, maybe once a week and buying your favorite chocolate on Amazon to make things up to you.

I wasn’t thinking the relationship would be magical and perfect, I expected fights, disagreements really, not like fistfights, and maybe strong language, but still, because I can only think and know what I would do, I would be determined to make it work.

The voices, in my fantasies, would interrupt and say things like you’d kill yourself in bed or you’re try to kill me in my sleep, but at this point and time, I welcome death, if that’s how I were to go.

I mean at least I’d be following my heart.

At least I’d be in love.

At least I’d be thinking I made the right choice, to choose someone.

It’s hard enough living with the voices, especially a few weeks ago.

Please, take me out.

Of course, this is fantasy, hallucination, delusion.

It’s more likely that NONE of this will ever happen,

not the good (for me)

or the bad (also, for me)

It just cements in my mind that I want to love you, and I want to be loved by you.

At least when I’m going crazy.

When I’m not hearing the voices, I don’t know if I’m really feeling anything.

When the voices are gone, I don’t want to immediately get into a relationship with someone else.

I have my memories with you and while I’m happy with them and that time, I know I should not live in the past, but I’m not eager to start the journey of love again.

I know I want to be more appealing to woman, and I want to make more money, and I’m on the path to do that, finishing school and working out, but at the end of that, I just feel like I’ll keep chasing sex, I don’t see a future for myself where I’m settled down.

I see parties

A uniquely decorated apartment

A liquor cabinet

But I don’t see a wife and kids.

I don’t even see a dog or a cat.

Just me

on my own.

Stuff

Voices been calling you a “slut” for a while now, maybe it’s another pun on the Norwegian language for graduate. Example below:

It’s funny to me now

A common story in my head, about you, was that your father in Law, whomever he is or isn’t, bought a house for you here in Boston, Dorchester no less, and you were to be the landlord of the property, live and or work from there while renting out the other two floors (it was a 3 family property) to make your income and we’d get back together and I’d move in with you.

It’s funny to me now, and I don’t recall if I ever brought that up but even in the worst psychosis that was some, “happy ending” I had waiting for me no matter what I thought or said.

It’s comedy gold.

Like so laughable that the little embers in me that still love you or the idea of you would dream up something that grandiose and sensational.

You have no idea what I’ve been going through, but! It’s not like you wanted to know either.

I mean hey, you were taking medication too when we met, I have no idea what you’re going through either.

Just two suffering souls I guess.

Insanity

So, I’m remembering my most recent episode of psychosis and can I at least talk about the soap opera that was you and Aaron Wall?

How for almost a month in my mind you were trying to convince him that he was “your favorite” and thats why you were still friends with him, still talking to him on social media?

I mean, even before my psychosis there was that one moment during sex where I choked you for a bit and what appeared in my mind, if not in my room was not only his father but him, having sex with his mother?

And then when we were in New York, he “turned up” and I felt the texture of the ducks penis on my tongue, and then when you motioned that you’d have hung yourself you were talking to his younger sister, Oare, because that night she was raped by him and his friends at the time…

Just a bunch of dark moments but somehow they concern him.

And he and I have never been good friends, I mean we’re aware of each other but I can’t recall ever having his number in my phone, and if I did, I never called or texted him…

It just, it closes the gap between how you may have found me on xanga. Somehow he’s the glue that got us together.

But man, why would I ever hear something like that?

You can see how this feels alien to me, right?

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C_LQMmRu4Y8/?igsh=bXEwZWdxd3Fibm5x