Back to that story about you buying a house in Boston and me living with you, I would think about buying you flowers every day, maybe once a week and buying your favorite chocolate on Amazon to make things up to you.
I wasn’t thinking the relationship would be magical and perfect, I expected fights, disagreements really, not like fistfights, and maybe strong language, but still, because I can only think and know what I would do, I would be determined to make it work.
The voices, in my fantasies, would interrupt and say things like you’d kill yourself in bed or you’re try to kill me in my sleep, but at this point and time, I welcome death, if that’s how I were to go.
I mean at least I’d be following my heart.
At least I’d be in love.
At least I’d be thinking I made the right choice, to choose someone.
It’s hard enough living with the voices, especially a few weeks ago.
Please, take me out.
Of course, this is fantasy, hallucination, delusion.
It’s more likely that NONE of this will ever happen,
not the good (for me)
or the bad (also, for me)
It just cements in my mind that I want to love you, and I want to be loved by you.
At least when I’m going crazy.
When I’m not hearing the voices, I don’t know if I’m really feeling anything.
When the voices are gone, I don’t want to immediately get into a relationship with someone else.
I have my memories with you and while I’m happy with them and that time, I know I should not live in the past, but I’m not eager to start the journey of love again.
I know I want to be more appealing to woman, and I want to make more money, and I’m on the path to do that, finishing school and working out, but at the end of that, I just feel like I’ll keep chasing sex, I don’t see a future for myself where I’m settled down.
I see parties
A uniquely decorated apartment
A liquor cabinet
But I don’t see a wife and kids.
I don’t even see a dog or a cat.
Just me
on my own.