HOO-BOY, WHATS UP PARTY PEOPLE IN THE PLACE TO BE!?
Not gonna lie to you I’ve been self-deprecating recently. Just kicking myself and getting down on myself but I think that’s a sign of COVID as well, and by that I mean, it’s easy to be a bit more depressed in a pandemic when there’s nothing to really go out and do.
Haven’t been playing much video games unless you count mobile games and schools back in session, already two weeks in and I’m already behind because they cancelled the order I placed for my book so I had to order another and blah blah bladdidy blah. I know I’m making excuses but my education is coming out of my own pocket now so I can say or do whatever the fuck I want about it and you can’t tell me squat.
Ahem.
I frequently compare myself to others and I’ve compared myself to myself. I think I touched on this a bit on instagram but I remember the time I was growing the most and the fastest with my art. I was still living with my mother, not paying bills yet and borderline an alcoholic, or at least I binged quite a bit and experimented with drugs more often then not. Long story short, physically and mentally I wasn’t in a good place, and although I’m heavier now, I have clarity, a better job so financially I’m stable and I’m no longer in and out of hospitals, but I crave that artistic nourishment. It’s like I don’t have time for my passions anymore.
Priorities, priorities. I want to create a financially stable environment where I don’t have to work to live comfortably and give myself the time of day to feverishly pursue my art. My goals, as I struggle through life, have become/are becoming much much clearer, like a polished gem, a newly washed window.
The end is in sight but getting there is the task at hand.
Either way I think my next published work is around the corner, and I’ll go back to reviewing poetry soon in an attempt to inspire myself to write.
The bug bit me one night while I was on Reddit watching a DJ session. I don’t quite remembered the exact words that grazed my conscious but I remember feeling connected to the lonely DJ spinning love songs, physically alone but digitally to a crowd of hundreds.
It would suck if that was the future after all the vaccines are given, I’m really looking forward to the clubs opening back up to full capacity and attending Disco Night. I’m hoping all the scheduled events for 2020 just pick back up whenever socializing does.
Anyway, that’s my update for February, I’m sad and longing for change but to what end and at what cost? I’m not completely miserable just enough to question if anything I’m doing is the right decision.
I also signed up for therapy, not that I think I need it but to see whether or not it would curve my attempts at writing poetry but first talking about my emotions instead of just putting them in a book, but I’m hardly doing that as well.
This is going on for to long, see you in the next one!