Birthday Week

What’s up party people in the place to be?! IT’S MY BIRTHDAY WEEK, and I FEEL as if I should have a party or do SOMETHING, seeing that my brithday is on Friday, but I probably won’t do anything too crazy. Get up, go to work, maybe hang out on the weekend.

I’ve been trying to think of ways to build community around my artwork, my books, and I’ve stumbled upon the idea of a newsletter, that may replace this monthly blog. I think the thing about a newsletter however is that it has to be on time, so maybe I’ll write drafts through the week, or during the previous month, and send the letter on the first of every month after that? Maybe? We’ll see.

One thing I found out about newsletters is that they have to have a physical address before you can mail them, something to do with spam laws. I was thinking of using the platform “mail chimp” but “substack” seems like its a good option as well, time will tell!

I’d tie the newsletter to a P.O. Box, which are expensive in themselves so, that’ll have to wait until I get the extra cash, but I just thought I’d let you all know!

Other than that I’m finally at the tail end of my associates degree, I’ve started class and it’s a great class so far. I’m enjoying reading and writing and I feel like I’m getting the gears turning for everything else I want to write and eventually publish. Takes a lot out of you though! What’s coming to me now is this feeling of fatigue and I’m not certain as to whether I try to push through it or just take a break.

“Artists need to procrastinate” as they say.

Anyway, that’s all for now,

Happy birthday to me!

and I’ll see you in the next one!

E-mail Clean Up

Cleaning up an e-mail inbox is strangely addictive. I went from 20,000 unread e-mails to 388 in the span of 4 days, painstakingly deleting about 50 emails at a time.

Anyway what’s up party people in the place to be?! I got an A- in my summer course! I was sure I would get a B or have to be happy with a C but I put my best foot forward and it paid off! Now, after 9 FUCKING YEARS I’m finally eligible to graduate for my associates degree. I’m hoping my bachelors degree doesn’t take as long but I suppose this is the trade off when you work 40 hours a week and take 1 class per semester.

I remember this one girl told me “you were always slow” but there’s also a wealth of motivational posts that say you have to do things according to your own timeline, at your own pace.

I mean, she couldn’t even imagine what it was like sitting in a classroom trying to suppress voices in your head, things you were hearing that weren’t coming from other people in the room. She just kind of lashed out and tried to hurt me but I think about it now and go “no wonder she’s single, she’s a huge bitch!”

Speaking of being hurt, single, and bitches, I feel as if I finally got over my ex.

I mean, I shared this romanticized idea about our time together, how we met and etc. and we weren’t on the same page. What felt like magic to me was just another run of the mill experience for her, and I read some of the writing I sent, and some of the writing she sent to me. I’m not embarrassed to be the guy that bared his whole soul for someone, but I wonder why I wasn’t able to see the signs sooner. Yes Yes Yes, having voices in your whisper sweet nothings or screaming as if you were the hand that touched the beacon (lol) makes it hard as well but still.

I felt like I could’ve listened sooner.

Saw the signs.

Moved on.

Maybe even gotten my degree sooner.

But again, to each their own timeline!

And who knows, maybe in the multiverse there is a version of me that did all those things. I wonder how they’re doing..?

Anyway, now that I cleaned up my e-mails I guess I’ll start working on organizing the pictures for my next book. That’s coming too! Maybe by 2025, because I have a lot of work to do and still have one semester to get through before I graduate!

P.S.

I don’t plan on attending graduation for my associates degree, maybe I will for my bachelors, later!

Konsento wa arimasen

I feel like I don’t have a proper outlet for a lot of what goes on in my head.

This isn’t referring to my imagination however, its referring to my “Schizoaffective disorder.”

I’m still hearing strange things about my ex, from Norway, but I don’t have anyone to tell.

I have a therapist but we’ve been through this song and dance, he’s given me the tools to use, and I have to use them.

I don’t want to just hold it in, I want to talk to someone, I want to talk to her about this stuff, but I don’t have that option.

I’ve been taking my medication regularly, so it’s much easier to deal with, I’ve also stayed away from marijuana, which can exacerbate my condition, and I tell myself “this isn’t true, it’s not real” like my therapist said, but it’s still coming at me, trying to ruin every thing that I’ve done to escape that place of mania and madness.

This sucks.

I’m going to delete the page x because honestly, no one needs to read my laments over someone that can’t extend me any courtesy,

Or maybe I’ll just make the page private.

We’ll see.

Are we human?

I’m beginning to write this now, realizing that I forgot to compile a group of hashtags to help spread this blog through the void we call the internet.

What’s up party people in the place to be? I’m coming to the tail end of my summer class and I’m taking a break from writing notes to write here.

Since I’ve begun posting this blog to LinkedIn I’ve noticed some of the writing of other people in my network. It ranges from the inspiration to inquisitive but nothing feels human. Like LinkedIn is some other machine that sucks all the flaws out of a person so that they only present their best self. I understand why someone would want to do that, but as I begin a new job hunt I think, do companies want someone “human” working for them, or someone that can maximize output like buying ad space on some social media algorithm? What jobs should I be looking for as someone “human” and what jobs should I avoid? Should I even look for a job at all, or do I think I can get by on my good looks and tepid opinions streaming on twitch or YouTube, 7 days a week.

It’s not frustrating enough to make me pull my hair out but y’boy does wonder… Super Mario Wonder, and with that I’d like to say I feel as if I’ve had less and less time for video games, anyone else?

I have more to write, but I’m going to put it in “X.” Drop by that page if you want to read it, not pressure though.

Peace, Love, and Coffee Mugs.

I've been thinking for 8 days...

Whats up party people in the place to be!

I’ve been thinking about what to write for the last few days…

Truth be told, I’m trying to mentally prepare to leave my job, although, I don’t think I’m going to leave my job for at least another 3 or 4 years.

There’s no pressure to leave my job either, but I want to increase my quality of life by going after a bigger paycheck, that’s all there is to it.

I’m trying to leverage my social media, threads, the twitter rival just released a few days ago, but it’s not as exciting as twitter, if you ask me. Twitter is like, grandfathered in, and allows nudity, which threads does not. I suppose if you have an issue with nudity, threads is the better option, but really all the good memes are still on Twitter. We haven’t seen the migration yet, truly.

I have youtube playing in the background, distracting me from my own thoughts. Oh!

There’s a lot of hub-bub about anti-capitalist movements, leftist politics, etc, and it seems to have a lot of traction. My question is however, why don’t these thought leaders ever come together? Or is uniting under one umbrella the mindset of the enemy? In one book I read/listened to on audible “Mutual Aid” by Dean Spade, the author says that Mutual Aid movements should not come together or be (and i forgot his exact words) assimilated into government systems, because thats how capitalism stays alive, by adopting policy it can regulate that may please the masses one day and utterly destroy their hope in the next instant. But if that’s the case, if we cant band together, if we can’t hope the government adopts meaningful policy, what the fuck is there to do? Keep struggling and pow-wowing with your buddies until the sun burns out? It didn’t give me much hope, and now I’m listening to “Capitalist Realism” by Mark Fisher which has so far, proven to be equally if not more daunting an experience.

But that’s the bad news.

The good news is I finally feel like I have some direction I want to go in as far as my career goes. It’s not exactly anything I’m particularly “passionate” about, but it’s something I’m interested in, and pretty much engage in everyday, so I hope it works out, but who knows if my opinion or my min changes in the coming years.

Now, I have to start my homework.

Later Gators.

You know what sucks…

I’m in bed, letting a YouTube video play in the background.

I’ve just finished scrubbing the bathtub until it sparkles, in anticipation of my mom coming up for a graduation in a few days.

But you know what sucks? The idea that I have to sacrifice this “me time” I’m having right now to get in better shape.

I’ve managed to decide that getting in shape is not just good for dating, but good for me, so I’m committed to the goal, I’m thinking about it, making workout plans, but the idea that I have to sacrifice this little slice of heaven so I can feel better about my body… that sucks.

I’ve gotten down to one meal a day, I’ve gotten down to high protein meals and a few calories a day, but it all isn’t enough. I need a bigger push, more than 20 minutes of exercise, and all that time I have to dedicate to it, is here, right now, as I sit and type, dreading the idea that the things I enjoy in life have to go away, one at a time, slowly, but surely…

It’s not all bad, maybe I’ll wake up for work or school earlier, and I can always catch up on my shows on the weekends…

But man, what a hassle…

Peace out party people in the place to be! ✌️

Charity and Giving and Love and Community

A kid at downtown crossing asked me for $11 tonight via cashapp, and I thought what a wonder it is to spend and transfer and ask for money these days.

He told me he worked at CVS, showing me the logo on his red shirt and I guess my train of thought was “well if he has a job, why is he asking for money?” So I asked him

“What do you need it for?”

And he said he needed the money to get his girlfriend food.

I didn’t have much money myself, but my payday is today, whereas his was tomorrow, and I’m just out myself $100 because I had helped out someone else.

When he said those words to me, on the train ride back to my house I thought briefly of how life, relationships could be expensive, but him being a better man than myself, he may not tell his girlfriend the whole truth of how he got the money to stop her stomach from growling, but perhaps he showed her he has what it takes to get her what she may or may not need.

He told me he’d send me back $20 when he got paid, but I honestly don’t expect to see the money come back to me, as I remembered one holiday evening I gave a guy $400 something dollars so he could get back to New Hampshire.

And now it’s finally clicking.

Maybe this is the universe paying me back.

The truth is I’ve been receiving a great deal of financial help myself, from friends, family, and I make sure to pay them back, if they want it, and sometimes they never do, but this small sense of community and support, it feels good to pay it forward.

I expected to see my paycheck in my bank account by the time I got home from work, but sometimes it appears around 5PM the next day, still, what’s $11?

A full stomach, a small umbrella for the rain, a cheap blanket to stave off the cold.

I can afford $11.

I forgot to blog yesterday...

What’s up party people in the place to be?

Remember when I said I was going to get therapy? Well, I managed to end up getting it. Funny story:

I posted a meme on instagram that said “when I get rich, all the homies getting therapy,” and thought it was just a one off thing, nobody would take it to heart. LITTLE DID I KNOW a friend of mine, a longtime friend, in a really good place in life (at least I think so) saw that meme and went “Hey, did you ever sign up for therapy?” I said no, and then they offered to pay for me!

I didn’t necessarily jump at the opportunity, but nonetheless i agreed. They only paid for two months, and I started with betterhelp only to kind of realize I didn’t like the therapist they assigned me, so I picked another therapist, who asked me if I had health insurance, and then suggested that I use my health insurance instead of paying out of pocket for therapy!

They suggested “Thrive Works” but I remembered talkspace, and talkspace seems like it’s my speed and its doing exactly what I want.

If it weren’t for my friend I would’ve never sought out help, and still I’m trying to find the words to express my ultimate gratitude and love for them.

Other than that, feels like everything is coming up Dan. School is paid for, and it looks like I’ll be able to score at least guaranteed admissions to most of the colleges and universities I’m applying to as I get ready to transfer.

With all that said and so on, I’ve realized I haven’t made any visual art in a while now, and that might just be because I’m focusing on school work. With that in mind however, I’m considering starting a web comic on instagram to supplement my lack of drawing, because I miss it! So I’ll let ya’ll know when that happens, real soon.

Peace, Love and Coffee Mugs

I don't joke around...

WHATS UP PARTY PEOPLE IN THE PLACE TO BE!? Happy Birthday and Happy April Fools for you and yours that celebrate. NOT ME THOUGH, I’M AT WORK.

It’s ok, I’m just covering for a co-worker who has a birthday today.

There ain’t much I want to say right now, kind of one of those “making moves in silence” moments, but I am, making a steady pace, even strides towards my future.

What I’m dwelling on at the moment is the amount of love in my life. It’s quite literally abundant, and I wish I could share it with other people.

I got caught up thinking however, that this wasn’t the “love” I was chasing after. I was seriously looking for romantic love, love from another person, a partner, but I got like, cosmic love, love from the Goddess and the all knowing.

It’s freaky, to say the least, but I’m trying my best to welcome it, into my person, instead of run away from it.

And when I’m not freaking out about that I’m probably playing Monster Hunter haha.

Anyway, that’s all you’re getting out of me in this edition! Enjoy your day, and I’ll see you next month 😉

Self-induced Insomnia

Hello party people in the place to be, it’s Ya Homie D!

God… I should start with that all the time…

Anyway, how are all the lovely people already off to La La Land?

I’ll got to bed soon after I finish writing this, I just stayed up too late last week Saturday and now I’m regretting it.

what I come to you today with is… even more introspection than per usual.

did I even mention that I signed up for www.masterclass.com ?

Well I did, a few months back and I’d been going through videos taking what I can from each lesson. I’m like 3/30 lessons done.

Most recently, I watched the poetry video by Amanda Gorman, the youth poet laureate that recited for President Biden’s inauguration.

What stood out to me near the end of the video series is that she said it was one of her goals to be an inaugural poet. And while I was mildly seething with jealousy at her early career success it hit me:

What are my goals?

What do I want to do with my art?

What do I intend to accomplish?

Art for me has always been a vehicle for self expression.

It never really occurred to me that you have to want something greater, you have to set a goal for yourself to achieve the dream.

I was just holed up drawing pictures because it made me happy, I didn’t want to think about it as a career, a career that could pay my bills.

In high school I had the vague idea that I’d like to be able ti live off of what I created, not at all considering that maybe I’d need a bit of spotlight to ever achieve that.

And it hit me again, I saw a video that someone sees beauty in art that was never meant to be seen.

But I don’t want a collection of work to pile up or throw away in my home that I made at random intervals because doing so made me “feel good.” I think I could at least shoot for the Hail Mary pass and go for a greater achievement.

But I am very uncertain.

with the idea that many famous and successful people didn’t create their first “hit” until their 40’s, I still have a few years under my belt before I reach that “deciding line” and yet, I’m just so unsure of it all.

Is this what I really want?

Can I just give up, do something else?

Will this make me happy?

Am I happy now?

So many question I feel like I’m forgetting to ask myself, unlike what I did in the past.

Life just twisting and turning and here I am, standing amidst the warped road, head empty, moving one step at a time into the unknown…

Like I said, creating makes me feel good, but can I be, can it be more? Greater?

A mentor I had at artists for humanity painted a mural at Dewey Square in Boston and it was reported on in the news. His reflections, what he was thinking while making the project.

But I don’t give a fuck about that either! LMAO

WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!

I’m unsure and confused and yet I feel like I’m onto something.

That even though this path warps and turns I’m still navigating the correct route…

If that makes sense.