May 1st Blog
It’s 3:45AM on April 30th the year 2022.
And e-girl on twitch in a different time zone is on your smart tv as you listen to jazz to substitute for the sound effects and music for a video game, a mobile game you’re playing on your phone that’s notorious for its “pay to win” formula, but your friends still play it, so you do too.
It feels like the world is on fire. The 1% control the media, people want you to believe they’re you’re saviors, others claim all information, true or false is good information, Russia is at War with Ukraine, the country you live in wants to see you fail, and you think you’ve outgrown your current friend group, and that it would be much better to seclude yourself and only associate with people online. You’re used to that though, you’ve done it before.
You want to help, but you don’t know how, and everyone seems to think it’s hopeless to even try, to even think about it, that it would be better to live for yourself as society crumbles around you, and from its ashes, somehow, in someway, people will realize they need to come together, and work together to build a better way of life. Yeah fucking right, when they couldn’t even put a piece of cloth over their own face to help prevent other people from dying, when they hide behind cartoon characters as profile pictures and openly spew racism, just because their favorite, fictional, and in no way or will ever be real, cartoon character, has had their skin colored brown.
You’ve read through 3 religious texts, 4 of the Torah is really just the Old Testament of the Bible, and the Qu’ran says that God leads them astray on purpose, that even the Prophet Mohammed can’t save these people, can’t show them Gods light, can’t convince them to change their ways, and to not bother.
You pick another e-girl who’s virtually “dating” her followers on stream, for a fee, because some people think of you want to talk to them that badly, they might as well get paid for it.
Is this dystopia? Is this what progress looks like? Has it always been this terrible? According to History, yes, yes it has been, as long as you weren’t ever the dominant class.
It’s not all bad though. You still have a job, it’s paying well, and you’re going to start therapy. You have new motivation for making art, and the only bad thing is that you can’t seem to get a date, but you aren’t trying to get one either. Paying $3 for a photo of a strangers butthole seems to do the trick, as long as it’s a new butthole every 2 weeks or so.
But you think about her from time to time. You just read an article about the country she lives in just to see if it would trigger you, and it does. You feel like you still love her, that you still want to be held, you want to kiss her, to lay in her arms, someone’s arms and let go of the madness that isn’t madness, but what feels like some other worldly moral force compelling you to resolve the unresolved, with what little power you have, because you have power, SOME POWER, it just feels like it isn’t enough.
So here you are, the jazz music has stopped and the fan in your room is the only thing keeping you from overheating as you burn emotionally, burn and yearn for change so hot you think you can feel it on your skin, like the hair on your knuckles could char a steak.
Burning. Day after Day. Twenty Four Seven. Three Sixty Five.
…Don’t forget your moms birthday is next week.
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This blog is time stamped, that was the original blog and it was going to be the only thing I wrote but, now, as I try to fall asleep, coffee still flowing through my veins from working the overnight shift I seem to be recalling all my feelings from the week. My weekends are cut short now, I’m effectively working 6 days a week at the moment but I’d honestly rather be doing this than risking getting COVID, again.
I’ve been trying to describe my emotions to myself, and to the void, as I prepare for therapy.
As I like to describe it, my naive and possibly overly optimistic idea that everyone is capable of change and becoming better has constantly been under fire these last 2 or 3 weeks. Just direct messages from religious text, people, astrology, and so on that you can really only do so much, and if a person is unwilling to change you can’t change them.
I don’t know where I got it in me that I should try my utmost to display another perspective to the blind. I don’t know what it is that makes me think there’s hope for the future. These are just things that I feel, and, this isn’t something I’m afraid or wary of, in terms of confirmation bias. I need something to cling to, I suppose. A reason to keep going that isn’t wholly self-serving.
But, as I think I wrote previously (I did not re-read nor did I proof read that earlier passage) the trap of nihilism is ever present.
an encroaching darkness, steadily enveloping all even in the light of the sun.
it just drives me mad.
But I’ve been better recently, I’ve found this new, creative spark, to do the work that needs to be done to make something great, something I want to say I’m proud of.
And digger deeper it’s like, now I have a new perspective of how monumental a task is to make a triple A video game. You know, some are easier than others, but I was staring at a Elden Ring video before I left work, and it just occurring to me, all the writing, the coding, the 3D modeling for merely one, TINY aspect of the larger world. It’s really incredible. Teams of people do it, it’s no wonder these projects cost millions of dollars.
it makes my chest swell to think id try and jump into that category of “creative.” I’m not sure I could do everything on my own, but it feels like that when I don’t think hard enough about who I could reach out to for assistance.
before I forget, about rather being at work than “enjoying life” and having a higher chance to actually fucking die:
My buddies want to go to Anime Boston this year… this is what I wrote:
”Once again, I don’t care. I’m only interested in people that actually go, people that want to meet other people. If something like that isn’t on the docket then fuck the whole thing. They can bring other dudes I don’t care if there’s another guy I’m just looking for people that share a common interest as for right now.
I’m going to spend $100 dollars to get in, walk around, and see shit I already know about or buy shit I can buy somewhere else much cheaper I feel like every year I go and the goal is to just spend more money and I don’t get anything in return and my house just has less and less space.
I have to cut that shit out at the source.
For me, if I’m not going to meet anyone else, if the “majority” crowd is racist and antisocial I just don’t want to be near them. I don’t give a fuck about how good their fan art is either. ✌️”
Essentially I’m saying, I don’t want to pay $100 to go to a convention just to spend more money when I get in. What I’m really looking for is to meet people with a shared interest as myself, but Anime Boston does have a “meet and greet” room or even a sign up sheet where people could share a picture of themselves in or out of cosplay and list their favorite anime of all time and what they like to talk about etc etc.
And yeah, I know, everyone is a “nerd” or a “geek” I get it, I enjoy these nerd and geek things too but I think I’m just not a part of that social sphere anymore. And I like hanging out with my friends even though all we do is argue in the group chat but I think I spent like $400 on the showroom floor at Anime Boston 2019 and I don’t want to do that again. I am in no way excited to do that, over 3 days, or spend even more.