What’s up party people in the place to be! I know, I haven’t written anything here in a while but I was thinking as I do, and I started having these thoughts like “I would treat her better, I know how to take care of a girl like that” along those lines and I had to take a step back and say “HOLD THE FUCK ON, WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM???”
I’ve decided to be celibate for a while now, as I work on myself physically, emotionally, etc. I’ve been comfortable with this and I’ve been expressing my comfort with myself to people I feel closest to in life, because I’m at a place where I don’t have to prove anything to anyone but myself, right? That’s how I see it.
So, when those thoughts grazed my frontal lobe it was a quick, easy catch, because that’s not who I am, that’s not who I want to be, that’s not who I choose to be. So what fucking gives???
I felt, fairly “egotistical,” that line of thinking, more so than what I already think I need to do to improve my quality of life. Felt very “Incel” and I’m not involuntarily celibate if I’m choosing celibacy, right? So that was weird.
But I think it comes down to my current, or the friend group I have right now that I talk to the most. Basically, I’m disillusioned with them, I hold them in less regard than I did when I first met them, and while it’s me that people usually outgrow, this time, the tables seem to have turned.
I find myself now, desiring more and more to work on personal projects, and things that are important to me, things that make me feel good, and not performative or empty gestures to keep this friend group, friends.
There’s a good number of us in the group chat but really, like 3-4 of us regularly talk to one another, it’s almost like what’s the point sometimes, because most days the chat devolves into arguments, and people can’t be bothered to read what was said or they just don’t care. I don’t know, but I do know I don’t want to talk to people that don’t care about what I have to say. My time would literally be better just doing this, blogging, out into the void.
So, as I update a game on my phone that’s taking 3.3GB to download, I realize I’ve been thinking about this for a long time now, more than a month, but I don’t know how to break the news to them. Granted, someone form the chat could read this blog and share it with everyone else, but I’d bet $50 that it wouldn’t happen, not even by the end of next week, unless this is God’s plan at this point.
Anyway, playing more Monster Hunter, trying to be consistent with drawing, and I feel like I’m actually getting more comfortable with procreate, with the movement of my hand and the feel of the Apple Pencil on Glass. It’s activating the reward and pleasure centers of my brain lol