Happy Pride Month

So I went to go buy some pride flags that were advertised as “free” but they wanted me to pay $50 in shipping, so I didn’t buy them.

Whats up party people in the place to be? I made an outline for what I wanted to blog about this month, gimme some time to find the document…

Here we go!

My first topic is “Confronting Capitalism and Embracing Socialism, the Party for Socialism and Liberation and Celebrity Democrats.”

I should have taken better notes because I have no idea what I meant or planned to write just looking at that sentence alone lol, but theres a blurb under it that says:

“[I’m] trying to be center left, not feeling I belong to some civil rights movement, the absurdity of the right, disappointing my friends on both sides of the spectrum, finding my own political voice, fractures within my black identity.”

I think its coming back to me, but to go a bit deeper, I have friends that make “right leaning jokes” and not to say that they aren’t funny I think that trying to educate them on “why this is problematic” means I’ll be losing a friend. We’re all on the internet, and I post stories that move the conversation forward all the time on instagram, which now feeds to my facebook, and I feel that if at any point my friends or family wanted to reach out and talk to me about the issues that plague the world, they would. Ignorance is bliss, so they say, and I don’t mean to force my political ideas onto anyone. I’m still very much learning myself, but the ebb and flow of which wave to follow wears down my pier of “centrism.”

Beyond that, I’ve been seeing a lot of discourse around this guy Hasan Piker. Not that I have anything against him myself, I haven’t sat with his content for long enough but I did hear or read that some people accuse him of being a “fraud.” Because he’s living the lifestyle of the rich and the famous while championing or disavowing the U.S. government and it’s policies if not actions and crimes. In layman’s terms, people thing he’s biting the hand that feeds him. And while I have more to learn and to watch, my question to him is why interview or prop up the democratic party? Why not even further left political parties that have begun to rise in the country? Maybe I already know the answer, and it’s that he doesn’t believe presently that any other party has any chance in hell competing with the democrats, and they, even if they are not perfect, are the best shot we have, currently, at a more equitable America, fine, that seems logical, but could he go harder? With all the media attention he has, could he platform, successfully, a new political push to go even further left? I think yes, but I do not know.

As far as the PSL is concerned I don’t know what it is, but it makes my stomach turn. I’m not uncomfortable in a way where I’m excited to see more, I’m uncomfortable in a way that makes me go “hey, get the hell out of there.” It feels like a ragtag group of like minded individuals that belonged to no other social group that came together to fight a power with each other because they had no one else to turn to. And maybe I’m saying that from a place of privilege? Because I can clearly see my family, friends, and even employers affection and love for me, I wonder with these individuals, what happened or is happening in their own lives so that they are so staunchly hardened against America, where every politician that isn’t their own is “the bad guy.” I see a lot of “The Democrats wont save you” or “Both parties are the same” but in that same context, I also see just as much content that takes a more nuanced look into bureaucracy and even voting on policy with different mathematical numbers and spreadsheets on how the dems vote versus the republicans. I mean everyday the Democrats have to fight with enemies of the state, and these further left movements and militias don’t really give them that kind of grace and understanding. And again, they aren’t perfect, and some of them might even be paid off, but I don’t see how “tearing it all down” in some flash fire of political passion will make anything better in that same moment or the next day. In my head, destabilizing America is not the wisest move, and that’s being proven by the current administration.

Lastly, I’m having another clash with my skin color. I think I should be on the front lines of these movements, martyring myself for progress, because I’m black. My family says this is the white mans problem, and I don’t disagree, and I’m doing something but am I doing enough? The people at work tell me to just keep showing up, but not in a sense that I should be apathetic to these causes, but in a sense that I have just as much value putting a smile on peoples faces at work, if not more value than me standing with a picket sign. I don’t know, I’m confused, but I do know that I have bills to pay.

On being an artist, does being or becoming a great artist mean I have to lock myself in a cave and remove all influence from the wider world out of my personal library? I see these tow great artists that I interact with regularly that seem to have no idea about media that I am fondly aware of, that greatly resembles there work. It’s like that idea of 1000 monkeys on typewriters will eventually create Shakespeare, its fascinating to me, but ideas are the economy of things. They say no art is original and everything is borrowed, but does fine skill mean that night and day is dedicated solely and only to the craft? There’s so much I want to do and so much to be done! I feel like I’ll be paltry at everything before I’m good at something.

Recently I’ve kind of fallen in love with strength training, and cooking. Didn’t see this in the cards but I’m excited for my future growth. Right now I’m tracking my food with the “My Fitness Pal” app, and what I’ve realized is that my blood sugar is really high. Even though I’ve swapped out junk food, candy, with mostly fruit, still, my blood sugar is almost double some days. So I know this journey will be long but I like the path that I’m walking down.

School is stressful, what else is new, and the summer semester started last week Tuesday. Wish me luck!

A Message from Instagram:

4/15/25

2:15AM

“Nah I’m not on the market to buy a home. I don’t know that I want to settle down in the United States. Racism is everywhere for sure but I want to see a bit more of the world, learn languages, talk to people that aren’t me. I might just rent for a while or stay here in my mom’s house and stack bread. I don’t want to start a family anymore, I just want to feel like I’ve come to a decision by my own understanding because right now it feels like I’m being pulled in every direction by everyone else.”

And lastly, PORN!

Bet you didn’t see that coming lol

My porn poisoned brain runs into faces and names that I think want to fuck me or are people I want to fuck just about everyday. For a while now I was thinking this dudes wife was into me but it turns out she might just be an anxious person underneath it all and I’m too horny for my own good. Still! I think if my brain wasn’t chasing the adrenaline of making my everyday into a “pizza with extra sausage” scene, maybe I’d be chasing that high doing something else? Something more dangerous? Who knows.

I want to end this fine shyt but saying I might marry at Vietnamese girl? Idk but she jumped into my DM’s and I feel like it could happed lmao.

Later Gators, until we meet again!

I don’t feel good.

I keep thinking of a loveless marriage and estranged children.

Having a baby with a girl in another marriage.

Marrying not for the benefit of being and love and being married, but for the benefit, while we both benefit, but mostly for my partner.

What is God/the Universe testing me with?

With an estranged child I know I’d feel the pangs of a fatherhood that wouldn’t be.

In a transactional marriage I’d want more, constantly, and I wouldn’t get it without consent.

I wouldn’t get a love child.

I don’t know that I would even get sex.

Maybe a performative kiss on the wedding day, and that’s final.

I reach deeper into my chest, my mind, my soul and I know this isn’t what I want, this isn’t the life I’m seeking, and while marriage and children are no longer a benchmark for me to reach on my life’s bucket-list, I think “is this it? Are these my only options?”

The child I think fondly of, because I know in the moment of “making” the child, I will enjoy myself.

Catastrophe strikes, like it does in many of my other day dreams and mental scenarios, of her fuck husband becoming decidedly violent, or an alcoholic, or abusing the child after it’s born and growing up, but mostly I just feel this greater need to “be there.”

I want to celebrate the first birthday.

And the second!

And the third!

I don’t want to be described as some “uncle” knowing damn well that’s MY DNA!

I’m hurting, because it feels like some “loving God” has forced me to come to terms with things I thought no longer mattered to me.

And as I continue to type I solidify my feelings and emotions.

That child might be a mistake, but not in the same way “mistakes” like that are made.

I am pained, and longing, and touch starved and confused and angry, all at the same time!

And I’m not even drunk anymore so what the hell!!!

Buzzed at 2:39AM

I have work tomorrow.

Beyond that my madness has begun to plague me again. It’s my own fault for thinking I could just stop taking my medication with no ramifications, and thus, I am paying the price.

What to do but what we’ve always done.

Controversy abounds in the “gamer sphere” of Twitter, as the new Nintendo Switch featuring a $500 Price tag and $80 games rattles the poor and working class.

Personally, I’m putting it on a credit card, and I’m not going to buy the dog shit camera so I can zoom call my friends while we play Mario kart because everyone has evolved to use discord or in my case, Instagram audio to talk to people. Nintendo is a little too late with that however, die hard fans will pick it up.

I look around and I see that Trump seems to have healed the world while he destroys America.

China, Japan, and South Korea are working together, and I saw another article where China will address European nations in Vietnam.

Why rally against “communism” this “red menace” while handing over our buttocks on a silver platter to them? Make it make sense or great and powerful DUMBASS IN CHIEF.

Still, I have no beef with China. Anyone that knew me in high school would swear I have a fetish for the Chinese. And while that’s neither here nor there, I am eager to see where this goes, what this brings.

In matter of going to war with Greenland/Denmark I say “I’m a ninja and I don’t want smoke with a Viking.”

Think about it, I read “The Edda” I know it’s Icelandic, but what I got from it and other texts is that because of their “nanny state” that’s the only thing keeping these mother fuckers from killing each other, and tearing themselves apart, and you want to go to war with a people that have been known/called in legends to drive themselves into a battle frenzy and slaughter their peers who are, at a minimum, 6ft tall.

Nigga.

If you don’t stop talking stupid right now I swear to god.

There’s just a big ass target on our backs now and it’s all because Republicans hate the idea of a Black Woman in power.

This is wild.

Somebody please bomb the White House. End it for us all.

Well thank you.

Free Luigi.

Free Palestine.

I’ll catch you in the next one.

Frazzled

Wha't’s up party people in the place to be.

I woke up late, saw the homies to play Pokemon GO, ate, slept, and now I’m going to play Monster Hunter.

I don’t plan out what to write, usually. I write intuitively, and stream of consciousness, but today, I don’t really know what to write about.

I’m still gathering my thoughts on the state of the country, and next steps.

It feels like everywhere I turn there’s someone just as motivated as there is someone completely dejected, and feeling lost in these trying times.

Most likely I’ll blog or provide a list of actions you can take to resists the coup but I don’t have those resources readily available at present. I have a few in some scatter notes and open tabs on my phone but like everyone resisting says, we, and in this case I, need to get organized.

To be real, right now I’m enjoying getting high and drunk, not in a way thats destructive to my life, but just as a way to turn my brain off from trying to solve all the worlds (America’s) problems at once.

In my own personal journey, outside of trying to disassociate , I’ve been trying to make my rage and desire for violence, bloodshed, my bloodlust, into something productive. In my last short post I was able to reflect on prominent figures in martial arts that took up the pen instead of the sword, and while I do not know if they were influential in politics of their time, save Yagyu Munenori who wrote “The Life Giving Sword” it is not lost on me that we are not living in so “Romantic” times. Although sometimes I wish we were. Maybe they are in Texas, and other parts of the country with lax gun laws.

If you’re picking up what I’m putting down, there’s a free app on iOS that has video instructions for learning Shaolin Kung Fu.

I mean it’s literally only March, we are only beginning the first 1/4th of the year, and it already feels like there is so much to consider.

I understand that these feelings, these ideologies and politics have been simmering in the subconscious mind of some Americans on the fringe of society but now that it’s front and center, now that it seems to have become mainstream, we can’t allow for this ugliness to continue, to teach the next generation this same ugliness like some dynasty of the most terrible, figureheads of the devil calling themselves “good” or acting as if they speak for a loving God.

And while we’re talking about love, I don’t believe there is enough “self care” you could ever engage in that will expedite the next 4 years. We, collectively, have to take action. That’s all I really know.

And thats what I plan to do.

See you in the next one!

Master of the Fist

I haven’t strayed from the idea of finding some martial arts retreat or joining the shaolin temple in China, or some remote karate dojo deep in the mountains of Japan. But in a world of bureaucratic crisis, the hand of destruction, the dance of death won’t save anyone, and it won’t save me. So instead my hands have turned to creating. To writing. I’ve unfurled my palm and redirected my anger to prose, a form of non-esoteric poetry, in an effort to reach the hearts but more so the minds of the powers and the people that be. I don’t know how effective this is, but I know it’s better than punching a rock lol