I keep thinking of a loveless marriage and estranged children.
Having a baby with a girl in another marriage.
Marrying not for the benefit of being and love and being married, but for the benefit, while we both benefit, but mostly for my partner.
What is God/the Universe testing me with?
With an estranged child I know I’d feel the pangs of a fatherhood that wouldn’t be.
In a transactional marriage I’d want more, constantly, and I wouldn’t get it without consent.
I wouldn’t get a love child.
I don’t know that I would even get sex.
Maybe a performative kiss on the wedding day, and that’s final.
I reach deeper into my chest, my mind, my soul and I know this isn’t what I want, this isn’t the life I’m seeking, and while marriage and children are no longer a benchmark for me to reach on my life’s bucket-list, I think “is this it? Are these my only options?”
The child I think fondly of, because I know in the moment of “making” the child, I will enjoy myself.
Catastrophe strikes, like it does in many of my other day dreams and mental scenarios, of her fuck husband becoming decidedly violent, or an alcoholic, or abusing the child after it’s born and growing up, but mostly I just feel this greater need to “be there.”
I want to celebrate the first birthday.
And the second!
And the third!
I don’t want to be described as some “uncle” knowing damn well that’s MY DNA!
I’m hurting, because it feels like some “loving God” has forced me to come to terms with things I thought no longer mattered to me.
And as I continue to type I solidify my feelings and emotions.
That child might be a mistake, but not in the same way “mistakes” like that are made.
I am pained, and longing, and touch starved and confused and angry, all at the same time!
And I’m not even drunk anymore so what the hell!!!