There are only so many times this could have happened but I assume it was at the Hostel in New York with your parents. Either when I was following Odin going to their room, or when I was facing Howard ready to exit the room.
Whatever.
Maybe you should’ve shot me. Voices say they would have gotten “Everything they want” if you did.
I’m just some fucking fodder on the side of the road huh?
Fuck you.
In a bad way.
Voices say you’re in Boston, again.
I’ve been doing snus, too much tobacco in my system, or maybe I’m just having an off day from jerking off so often, idk. I can get it up but it’s taking a while to bust.
I want to go to sleep, try again tomorrow.
I’ll give it one more go.
If you are in Boston, avoiding me while you contemplate your life’s choices, fine, I won’t try to find you, I won’t stalk anyone that looks remotely like you or anyone I’ve seen you in pictures with, cause the voices say they’ve been here as well, just ya’know, do your thing, whatever it is you have your heart set on.
Being alone, for me, is a bit of a comfort zone.
As the voices detail my every waking moment, and perhaps even things I could never know, I just yearn for the peace and quiet I had before all of this.
It feels impossible, with or without you in my future.
I don’t know what to say and yet, I co time writing.
Like that’s the only constant.
Also, I looked up if you had a “nekrologer.”
You did not, so that confirms you’re still alive, somewhere…
edit:
I came 😌
Voices say you’re in Boston, again.
I’ve been doing snus, too much tobacco in my system, or maybe I’m just having an off day from jerking off so often, idk. I can get it up but it’s taking a while to bust.
I want to go to sleep, try again tomorrow.
I’ll give it one more go.
If you are in Boston, avoiding me while you contemplate your life’s choices, fine, I won’t try to find you, I won’t stalk anyone that looks remotely like you or anyone I’ve seen you in pictures with, cause the voices say they’ve been here as well, just ya’know, do your thing, whatever it is you have your heart set on.
Being alone, for me, is a bit of a comfort zone.
As the voices detail my every waking moment, and perhaps even things I could never know, I just yearn for the peace and quiet I had before all of this.
It feels impossible, with or without you in my future.
I don’t know what to say and yet, I co time writing.
Like that’s the only constant.
Also, I looked up if you had a “nekrologer.”
You did not, so that confirms you’re still alive, somewhere…
Added it to the Spotify playlist too, here it is:
Voices are saying the Australian boy put a Huntsman Spider on your chest and that’s why you got a breast reduction.
I know those spiders can get pretty big.
Edit:
So this is why a girl from Australia can look like you-
I wish my thoughts weren’t “gee I wonder if the prisoners have sex with each other”
hate this…
Voices are telling me some tragic story about you having a child in London and abandoning it, and I suppose you got your tit reduction (girl on the train) so you wouldn’t be able to send it milk? The child is growing up on formula?
voices say “be yahomied and be with someone else” But all I’m waiting for is some confirmation.
I can move on, I’ve been trying to, but it’s much much harder with everyday reminders of you, do you understand?
Voices say you do but you have the capacity to be “unfaithful” and I suppose, more so than I do.
Whatever.
Voices in my head say you paid for your tattoos by having sex with the tattoo artist.
Honestly, that has little to do with me, but this goes back to the “trust” issue I was ranting about so often in my early e-mails.
(Voices just said it’s the opposite)
Still, do I want to be with someone that I have to keep a stern vigil over? Someone that always makes me want to look over my shoulder? Someone I can’t turn my back on and must always keep a watchful gaze?
What kind of relationship is that for either party?
But everybody/anybody can make a playlist for an ex/breakup playlist, whatever..?
There was one night during the time between sleep and wake for me when a female voice said:
“I will never be a Fairclough, I am a monster.”
I’m reflecting on that now…
I’m not anticipating a redemption arc or anything, just what I asked for when I was losing my mind.
Of course, if you were stabbed just now, like the voices say, it’s up to you to keep running away, becoming “a whore in Sweden” or whatever it is you wish.
I know I don’t control you.
Or puppeteer you.
I’m asking for this dialogue, for closure for myself.
It’s an odd thing, to love a murderer, potential or actualized, but I’m no stranger to mediating on death myself, thus, the martial arts.
And yet, but still, there are infinite and myriad things you could have done since/after our breakup so that said female voice would give you that title…
Maybe, you’ll become a character in the game franchise “Monster Hunter” and I’ll get my catharsis that way.
Edit: Voices are implying you’re screaming at the top of your lungs “you don’t know what I’m like!!!”
I know.
If we were to start any kind of relationship in any capacity we’d be starting over.
I feel like I’m the same person in some ways but I recognize that I too have changed.
Again, I’m trying to more forward, beyond you, beyond “us” from so many eons ago, but I won’t deny myself either.
I wish I wasn’t at an impasse, a stand still.
I don’t want to hurt anyone, past or present, I’m doing my best to keep the hurting to myself, but here I am, pouring my heart into pixels hoping that someone, anyone can open our/my collective eyes.