With everything that’s going on I’m almost surprised I haven’t had a lot of time to reflect. I suppose that reflection starts now.
I’ve been having a hard time processing everything, finding the words for things and ultimately expressing myself.
As a Black Man in America, when the riots started I wanted to run away from this country, just go somewhere else where I feel like I would be welcomed. That feeling has passed now but I still reflect on it.
With the pandemic, with the protests, how do we “go back to normal” or is there a “normal” worth going back to, worth striving for? The United Nations are going in investigate systemic racism in America. I say “What a time to be alive” but literally, this is crazy. Maybe not unheard of, as America is really a nation built on protests and revolts, but still, crazy.
I suppose for myself I’m having a bit of an identity crisis. With all the social media posts about being a black man that I didn’t share or petitions I chose to share but not sign, I wonder why this is all just so exhausting. If I could be a catalyst for change why do I feel so complacent, why am I scared? Why am I sticking to what I know rather than rushing into the great beyond of civil unrest.
I’ve gotten a lot of support at work. People that are happy to see me everyday, offering me a place to stay if going home feels unsafe, engaging in challenging dialogue and while many of these people are my senior, its reassuring.
Not everyone is racist.
Black Lives Matter.
I have a Black Life, I am at least co-owner of my body and soul,
And thank you to all my allies who are out fighting and protesting and speaking up for me, one who felt incapable of speaking.
I’d like to see these country progress and move forward. I’d like to not have to consider paying taxes as a double citizen. I’d like for that one friend that prints the numbers of white people being killed by cops vs black people being killed by cops to know that black men are still, for the amount of us in this country, DISPROPORTINATELY in jail or in the grave.
If I was a camel, all of this was the straw that broke my back ya’know?
Dave Chappelle wasn’t funny.
Protests have gone on for 23 days straight.
And I’m reflecting on all of my regrets, or at least unfavorable things I’ve done, and considering how quickly I’d be cancelled if I was ever a celebrity. Will I ever become a celebrity? Do I want to be a celebrity? Or are all of those talk shows I imagine just a flight of fancy?
Where am I going in America, am I making a difference or am I complacent?
Is my art contemporary or temporary?
Am I passionate or just passing the time?
And that’s me man, this is most of what’s been going on in my head.
Change has come, obviously, but at what cost?
Did it have to go this far to be brought about?
The answer, is obviously and resoundingly yes, but it’s sad to admit it.
I hope next month’s blog can be of a lighter note.