Like the title of my last blog, I’m going through it.
To make a long story short, the voices in my head keep bringing up my ex girlfriend, among other things, like eating my own feces and suicidal ideation.
What I want to focus on however, is my ex.
I loved her, and in my madness I told her those things and more, mad a complete ass of myself and was arrested for 6 weeks in her home country.
I’m reluctantly looking for a new partner but I honestly don’t want to. I don’t feel like it’s fair to jump into a relationship with these external thoughts, to find myself going through and episode only to explain to a future lover “sorry babe, I’m just thinking about my ex.”
I think what’s worse is that, I know she’s frozen me out and blocked me on all socials, but I still have warm and fuzzy feelings if I think about it for too long.
If I dwell on it, it feels like I could just fall in love all over again.
And yeah I’m falling in love with my memories.
Yeah, I’m falling in love with an idea of her.
I’m present in my own mind and I know that, but still.
I don’t know how I should feel about this. I feel like I’ve felt every emotion I could ever feel and written every word or platitude that I could ever hope to express and still nothing, and yet, my heart keeps loving.
I also hate dating apps. I’m on them but I don’t feel like I’m ready for marriage. I still want to just, have fun, not get too serious but if something serious develops, okay.
But am I really giving it a chance?
Wouldn’t I just be better off alone?
I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know.
Anyway.